Friday 29 October 2004

New pic...

What do you think?

Had a few drinks after work last night...

... and think I was being sounded out for a new job working for my old team.

Watch this space.

Interesting factoids...

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

Ross's New Job

Ross has started his new job working for a power station firm. Some of which are nuclear! God help us all.

Thursday 28 October 2004

Testing from the recovery site

Does this work???

Business Continuity Site Testing

This afternoon i've got to go along to our Business Continuity testing site to see if all our programs and files work correctly.

That should take me around 5 minutes. More importantly i'll be testing if I can still write up my LiveJournal.

Business Continuity Site, if our building gets blown up, then we have another place to work, tight gits, how about a couple of months off!

Results of the quiz

My team The Hand Shandys finished 8th out of about 40 teams.

We did best in the TV Themes round, with me remembering the theme to Gentle Ben.

The highlight of the evening for me was with this question.


Which British TV presenter replaced the voice of Joan Rivers in the UK version of Shrek II?

Our answer

"Jonathan Ross"

Real answer

Kate Thornton

One of our team mates was adamant that he was right. Hilarious.

Wednesday 27 October 2004

Maths Refresher 101

I've finally got this DFA (Dynamic Financial Analysis) program on my computer and now i've got to bloody work out how to use it.

Most of it is intuitive however it requires a high level of maths knowledge in order to use it correctly.



Burr Inverse

I'm going to have so much fun in the next few weeks!


I've been rekindling my love affair with shooting gooks.

I bought the expansion pack Fist Alpha months back but got stuck on a really tricky bit so went off in a huff.

Not wanting to play anymore Champ Man till the new one comes out next week I thought i'd give the old game a bit of a revival.

650 kills later i'm back with as much enthusiasm as i've ever had. In my current mission i've had to sneak around (not my favorite part of the game) an enemy base taking out their heavy gunners. I've done that, I then had to place explosives on their fuel line, now I have to return up the mountain side and pull out my trusty sniper.

I'm looking forward to the next part.

Fish in a barrel.

Lloyd's Quiz tonight

Where's Webby when you need him? He can answer all the cheesy eighties pop questions...

There should be about 300-400 people out tonight for the quiz. Should be a good laugh. Lots of food and beer.

Tuesday 26 October 2004


Saw AvP last night. Why do they always have to dumb things down? Is it for the American masses?

Constantly explaining every piece of information in the screen, detracts from the action and contributes to what was essentially a poor film.

I could write better than that. I have a better imagination than that. And yet some idiot gets paid millions of dollars to produce a poor film.

Godzilla is another prime example. What a load of w@nk!

Rant over.

There's a price on my head...

My pension update has just come through. Scary reading. If I die, my brother gets £100k+!

Monday 25 October 2004

I've just got my latest set of work cards through

It was a missed oppertunity really.

We've got a new secretary so I could have told her anything...

Lord Dr Stuart Clark
Ninja Analyst
Stealth Assassin Team


Not for the faint hearted...

Bad news everyone.

Mertyl was taken to the vets on Saturday to try and cure her squirts and vomiting.

Mertyl seems fine but apparently she has two of the three symptoms (sick/pooing plus high heart rate) of an infected thyroid gland. She's on this special medicine and has to get a check up in a few weeks.

I think there is an operation that they can do but it's quite expensive and seeing as she's quite old they think that it's not worth while. We'll see.

Poor little stinky rat face.

Surprise, surprise...

Championship Manager 5's release date has been put back yet again.


That should really knacker them completely. Football Manager gets released over a month before.

What is it with games developers? Why can't they plan correctly? In my books they're in the same league as motorway maintenance people.

You know the ones, the 16 guys with mugs of tea standing round doing nothing whilst one poor guy directs the traffic with a stop sign.

Lazy so and sos.

I saw Get Carter at the weekend

Good film if you haven't seen it already.

"You're a big man but you're out of shape. With me it's a full time job, now behave yourself."

"D'you know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes look like, Eric. But they're still the same. Pissholes in the snow."

Ninja PC

My new works Ninja PC has arrived.

P4 3.6Ghz


I wish I could install CM.

Wednesday 20 October 2004

I have tomorrow and Friday off!

Ha, ha. In your face sucker!

I may pop down to Pistaccios...


After a long season things are starting to get exciting. With 3 games to go, Man City are 3 points off the top, currently in 3rd place.

150-1 my arse!

The influential signing of Alvaro Recoba has made all the difference. Languishing in 12 place for the first half of the season, something had to be done. In the January transfer window Clarketti put in an audacious bid for the aging superstar.

15 games later Man City sit proudly in a champions league place.


Unfortunately (kind of) Ben's sent me the Gold test version of Football Manager so I may have to resign and play that instead tonight.

So you may get a reincarnation next time

Why no more blogging?

Pretty poor on the blogging front guys.

Is there really nothing exciting (or not) going on in your lives?

Tuesday 19 October 2004

It all comes clear

I spent two hours yesterday up and down stairs carrying Harriet's old boxes from her mother's loft.

That's why they were nice to me on Sunday.

Monday 18 October 2004

Life and Times of Stuartini Clarketti

With one game to go and 1 point clear the only obstacle in my path was an injury weakened Aberdeen at home.

Mid week the tabloid press was going crazy, speculation was rife that Kevin Keegan was going to get the sack from Man City. Who could replace such a high profile manager at a hugely supported club?

On the eve of the game I was given the phone call, the offer was too good to refuse.

My first game for Man City was a 3-0 win over lowly Southampton propelling my new look City to a final league position of 14th.

Over the Summer, new manager Clarketti made some telling changes, out with the old boys and in with the new. With a new policy of bringing the youngsters through the ranks the past masters were given the chop. Out with Sinclair/Jihai/Shearer.

The bookies have given Man City 150-1 odds to win the league, determined to prove the critics wrong, Stuartini leads City to 7th.

The transfer deadline is looming and Roma have placed an audacious bid for Wright-Phillips. £36,000,000

Will Stuartini accept the bid for the fans favourite and fund the teams weak transfer budget to restructure the team? Will he keep the young starlet, destined to become one of the all time greats?

Watch this space for the next exciting installment of the Life and Times of Stuartini Clarketti.

Friday 15 October 2004


Borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Just had to change all of my numbers on my new phone.



Sorrie, Ben

to Ben Sorrie

then from

0787979797979 (Home)


0787979797979 (Mobile)

Similar to my volume problem.

Dundee Utd 3 games from winning the Scotish Premiership

After leading Northampton to 2 successive championships and into the Coca Cola Championship (old division 1, very old division 2) I decided I had accomplished all I could at the sixfields stadium. The Dundee Utd board offered me a challenge. Keep Dundee Utd away from relegation.

Not only did I manage that but I also got them qualified for Europe.

The next season was tough. Given a mere £800k transfer budget I had to survive on my wits alone.

After a year and a half in charge of Dundee Utd, I am 3 games away from a historic event.

Neither Rangers nor Celtic will win the Scottish Prem!

I feel next season one of the big boys in the English Premiership may be knocking on my door. Or perhaps I'll try my luck on the sunny beaches of Spain.

Watch this space (or not) for an update of the life and times of Stuartini Clarketti Italian manager extraordinaire.

Pretty bored at work today.

Don't you just hate bottle necks?

Yesterday I was stuck doing nothing for most of the afternoon waiting for one person to finish their section of the work, however it turns out that person is now waiting on some other guy to provide authorisation.

So here's me getting nagged by my bosses for an update on my progress when I actually have nothing to show!

Hurry up!

I'm slowly going senile with boredom.

Thursday 14 October 2004

Wish me luck...

I'm about to go into a two hour meeting to discuss...

...wait for it...

Net & Gross Models - Q3 data

"This is for a bit of a brainstorm as to how we can improve the processes by which we come up with our individual syndicate forecasts within 3 days of receipt of QMR data."


Wednesday 13 October 2004

Just bought a Sony Ericsson K700i

Plan tonight.

Play with Sony Ericsson K700i
A couple of games on CM
Listen to the football.
Sophie's cooking Salmon for me
Watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

High stakes tonight...

Azerbaijan v's England

I have a whole pound riding on this one. Yes! You heard me right, 1 whole English pound to whoever chooses the first goal scorer.

Liam "The Git" Scott (after winning over £100 from the last two Grand Stuart Clark Challenges)


Stuart "The People's Champion" Clark


If someone else scores first it continues to the next goal. After 2 years of betting and about £50 won either way i'm currently about £3 up.

Watch this space for all the action...

Lazy ass I.T. guys really annoy me

Lazy fcukers! (You're the exception i'm sure Ben)

We asked them to include something into the design of this piece of software months ago. Have they done it? Have they fcuk!

I'm not saying that i'm not lazy, I surely am, but at least I get the work done quickly, when I am needed.

Now i'm stuck, fcuking around tring to get the data into a useable format.


London's an ice rink

Just had my work shoes resoled, can hardly walk! If only the journey to the station was in a straight line. Then I could glide to work.

£41.50 though! Very pricey. I'm skint this month, as I was last!

Last night...

Played a little CM with Dundee Utd before Harriet cooked peppered rump steak for me last night. Very nice indeed, although not as nice as Ben's Dad's recipe.

Then we ended up watching Master and Commander. Anybody seen it? A load of w@nk if you ask me.

Bring on A v's P. The reviews are great!

"Fans beware — your fave two sci-fi franchises have been stripped of all their guile and maturity. It may offer the occasional treat, but AvP is sadly devoid of any real thrills." Empire

"Summary: Everyone is a winner in this one - apart from the poor viewer who must endure those annoying human characters for far too long before the real fighting starts. 5/10" Movie Gazette

Oh well, I think if you go to see it with the right frame of mind, i.e. Take in the mindless violence and forget about the story line, i'm sure i'll enjoy.

Tuesday 12 October 2004


I watched the last episode ov Firefly last night. I feel pretty annoyed that they decided against finishing the series.

Obviously it can't fit into terrestrial TV's busy schedule of woman friendly home improvement programmes. It's a fcuking joke.

I'd at least thought the BBC might stump up a bit of cash for that type of quality programme but unfortunatly not. They seem to be gunning for the pleb ITV audience share. Which of course is not actually in their remit.

I read an article in the telegraph (not evening telegraph) last Thursday written by an ex-BBC commissioner, stating that it was the fault of 6 female executives currently on the board. Hopefully they may even sit up and notice before the UK becomes as dumb as the US.

Wednesday 6 October 2004

On holiday till Tuesday.

He, he!

Not sure what i'm going to do though. Any suggestions?

Feeling rough today

Had a big one last night. Out with Shaheen and a few others.

He's off to New York today, then off to Vegas for a week.

We went for a nice chinese meal, then off to central London to a bar called the Social, i've been there before.

Then it was someone's bright idea to drink aftershock! The fool! The blaggard! The swine!

Now I feel like shit!

Thanks a bunch.

Tuesday 5 October 2004

I'm preparing myself for being called a git once more

My department has just gained 3 new members from another team.

That can only mean one thing.

Free food and drinks as a departmental get to know you night out.

He, he.

Monday 4 October 2004


Started watching Firefly yesterday.

So far i'm very impressed, good scifi nonsense with a twist of humour. But the one thing that stands out most for me is the fact that Groovicron's (Ben) default picture looks more like Wee-Man from Jackass.

Friday 1 October 2004

Just got back from the pub.

All the top bosses are away this afternoon so we've snuck out for a couple of jars of lager in The Lamb. Friday lunchtime drinking, you can't beat it.

The meaning of life...

Being the sad analyst that I am (after all it is my job), one thing that I occationaly do is assign a numeric value to certain aspects of my life as a way to gauge how happy I am.


Friends /10
Family /10
Love life /10
Work /10
Money /10
Weather /10
Flat /10
Football /10
Rugby /10
Is there anything good on TV? /10

Total /100

And then I have a percentage happiness (The Stu Scale).

This usually ranges from 50-85, depending on what mood i'm in.

I wasn't particularly happy one day this week and I came out with the number 42.

More evidence that this world is not real, i'm just here as someone's amusement. Similar to the Bill Hicks sketch with God hiding dinosaur bones in the ground to fcuk with Christian's minds.

Jesus is a prankster!

This actually made me laugh which probably boosted my happiness rating to 42 and a half.