Thursday 1 December 2005

Weekend plans

I like the idea of having the weekend to myself. For some stupid reason i've been playing rugby for the past 20+ years which means that I don't have them.

Friday night plans: Sitting in with a bottle of wine and watching a shitty movie with Harriet.
Saturday: I need to buy a winter coat
Sunday: Off to see Ross Noble in Covent Garden
Monday: I have the day off, but i'll probably just chill out and do nothing.

Only 13 and a half days left of work this year. Yeeee haaaaa!

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

-- A. P. Herbert

Tuesday 22 November 2005

SC Movie Review 4

Kiss kiss bang bang

A dark comedy murder mystery with a gay Val Kilmer. Very good film, made me laugh out loud more than once. Go and see it.

IMDb Rating: 7.9/10 (2,144 votes)
SC Rating: 4 potatoes (1 vote)

This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"

Thursday 17 November 2005

Here's one for all those Jocks in Corby

Handy Stuarty

Fixed my cupboard and lights last night.

And that's without tools. Brute force and luck.

Plus, I made spaghetti bolognaise but unfortunately I don't have a tin opener so had to stab the can of tomatoes open with a knife. So if I don't manage to make Ben's birthday meal / drinks...

...think of me in A&E with internal bleeding.

Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.

-- Dean McLaughlin.

Tuesday 15 November 2005


The team I would have been playing in last weekend lost 138-0 to Peterborough 2nds.

Ha, ha, ha! I know i'm good...

... but surely I don't make that much difference.

-- What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.

-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"

7 and a half days holiday left to use up this year

Any suggestions on what I should do?

I can't really take much off this month as it's probably the busiest time of the year. Plus we're in a transition phase with one of our data feeds. Basically all hands on deck.

One idea is to take all Mondays and Fridays off in the month of December. One downside of that is that they realise that i'm only needed on 3 days of the week...

I could take the christmas weeks off, I don't see the point of this as there aren't many people in at that point so I could get away with coming in late, going away early and taking long lunches.

I could just go away somewhere for a long week before the christmas season.

Suggestions? Sensible ones?

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Monday 14 November 2005

It was close...

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark

My weekend

Friday night

Watched a few programmes on TV, notably

Have I Got News For You
Jonathan Ross

Saturday night

Quite heavily skewed in the way of sport. I watched some of the cricket and Soccer AM in the morning then watched England v's Australia at Rugby, then Argentina v's England at football. Incidentally one of the best games I have ever seen. I then went out in Greenwich with my German mathematician friend Markus.

Sunday night

I've finally put the required effort into Football Manager, finished 4th with Liverpool. Might start again this week and start the game unemployed. Graft in the lower leagues before taking up the challenge of world domination.

George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.

-- Ashley Cooper

Friday 11 November 2005

The joys of Friday lunchtime drinking

How much work am I going to do this afternoon?

Fuck all...

So far I have sent an e-mail round the team to see if they want to go ice-skating on Tower Bridge in a couple of weeks. I've added a £1 to the price, so that we can have a sweepstake as to who falls over first.


In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.

-- R.W. Emerson

Thursday 10 November 2005

Wow! A free weekend

My first free weekend in absolutely ages. What on earth is going on?

A handful of my old Bristol friends were supposed to come along to London this weekend but for one reason or another it's been put back a few weeks.

My question is, what do I do? I'm not going back home anymore to play rugby so what do normal people do at weekends?

I might do some more clothes shopping, but not sure if i'm mentally strong enough to stop myself punching random twats who get in my way in the build up to christmas.

I really should go to the gym, i've been slacking recently, too much on and far too tired in the morning or when I get back from work.

I've been neglecting football manager since I bought it a month ago. I haven't really invested enough time in my tactics so have been losing. I must persevere.

There's international rugby and football on TV this Saturday so I could watch both of them. Although watching rugby usually bores me, and whenever I pick a football game to watch I usually jinx the team I support.

It's a tough one. Any suggestions? Any sensible suggestions?

"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
normal routines, for children and adults alike."

-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"

Wednesday 9 November 2005

GOD help us all...

"This is a great day for education"

Steve Abrams-Chairman, Kansas Board of Education

"We are all for intelligent design being discussed, but we do not want to see it in biology class"

Judy McIlvaine-School board Dover, Pennsylvania

Fucking spazoids!-Stuart Clark chief sceptic


... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man
-- A. E. Housman

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored and fucking bored 4

Help me i'm drowning in my own boredom.

Anybody been told a funny joke recently?

To attack a man for talking nonsense
is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp
and jumping in after him with a knife.

-- Karl Popper

Thursday 3 November 2005

Christmas has come early

I've just had my new phone delivered.


Samsung D600

Wednesday 26 October 2005

Virus beaten

Ha, ha. I've eventually kicked them off my computer. Thanks for getting adware and the virus thing Ben. I had to run the gauntlet of downloading an update though.

I can now play football manager in peace.


"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together."

Tuesday 25 October 2005

Poker Evening 1

Although I didn't win all your money (£0), congratulation to Ben and Kris for sharing the pot. I think it was a success. It was a good laugh and worked well in what turned out to be a very cheap evening.

Perhaps next time we can get Dylan and Tim involved.

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.

-- Vannevar Bush

Wednesday 19 October 2005

Need I say more

Order Date: 18 Oct 2005

Recipient: Stuart Clark (Gallary 5, Franchise Performance)
Items not yet dispatched:
Delivery estimate: 20 Oct 2005 - 21 Oct 2005 1 of: Football Manager 2006 (PC/MAC)

I'm tempted to take a few days off next week...


At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.

The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985

Tuesday 18 October 2005

Wilma! As Fred Flintstone would say...

It's currently forecast to hit Florida. Ouch!!! It's gonna hurt.

Click on the link 'loop' underneath the ten pictures then watch the hurricane develop.

Apu (Kwik-E-Mart clerk): "Haven't I seen you on TV somewhere before?"
Homer: "Nah, you have me confused with Fred Flintstone."

Homer's Night Out

Friday 14 October 2005

Ugh. Need Coffee.

Big night last night. I think I got in at around 12.

I started drinking bottled beer, then had some red wine, then some white, then went back to beer with some pints of stella, interspersed with cocktails and shots.

The full house.


I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
4 people died.

Steven Wright

Thursday 13 October 2005

Best day ever

They say good things come in threes.

Good thing 1: £3 off today at Lloyd's canteen.
Good thing 2: I won the lottery last night. £10 before anyone sends me begging letters.
Good thing 3: Free beer tonight at a works do in the Gherkin.


"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

-- Jay Leno

Wednesday 12 October 2005

SC Movie Review 3


Good film. I laughed out loud quite a few times, lots of action and explosions. What more could you want?

IMDb Rating: 8.5/ (15,619 votes)
SC Rating: 4 potatoes (1 vote)

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

-- Johnny Hart

Monday 3 October 2005


Git monkeys.

Just gone into Carphone Warehouse to see if I can upgrade my phone (Samsung D600) and they said it would cost £130.

Looking on-line i've noticed that I can get it for free. Bloody gits. I'm not getting it from them anymore.

Any suggestions? How easy is it to get a phone on-line and move your number over.

Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Good morning

Good morning gentlemen.

Did you all have a lovely weekend? Thankfully I managed to avoid doing anything yesterday so am almost recovered from 4 big (ish) days of drinking.

Going to try and have a week off the booze this week. Wish me luck...! My main problem is that i'm far too weak. I'll be ready to leave work, go home and have a quiet night then someone would ask if I fancied a couple before we went home. Unfortunatly "yep" is usually my answer.

I must be strong.

On another note. Watched Hellboy last night. Not bad. Not good either. Although it help waste a couple of hours of my life, as did Firefly day on Sky (130). Oddly it didn't have the same appeal as when I first watched it.

P.S. I hate Chelsea! And to top it off Bikini Beach is no more 232 / 278. The last one was yesterday.

Non-booze day counter: 1

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Friday 30 September 2005

Damn you, websense!

BBC News has been blocked!

Fcuking w@nkers!

BBC Sport has also been banned!

Tw@t faced cnuts!

Hopefully the masses will rebel and the infidels will be shot at dawn.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"

Tuesday 27 September 2005

PC gone mad,,2-1799722,00.html

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as
taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby."

Monday 26 September 2005

Perfect Job...

Football Model Analyst
Salary: Negotiable
Location: London
We are a growing online gaming business looking to appoint a Football Model Analyst to join our new office based in West London.
Working with a small team the successful candidate will be heavily involved in developing and refining statistical models for the company's trading operations. The primary focus is football modelling although involvement in other sports markets is also expected.
The main responsibilities are:
To develop and enhance existing statistical models.
To carry out quantitative research into various aspects of football matches.
To assist in the theoretical and practical development of mathematical tools for the trading department.
Desirable skills and qualifications are:
A good first degree or postgraduate qualification in a Mathematics related subject.
Experience in statistical and/or financial modelling.
Good programming skills in C++. Knowledge of statistical package R, and familiarity with Linux based OS.
The role will offer the successful candidate the opportunity to use and develop their mathematical skills in a relatively new and exciting area. The ideal candidate will have an analytical mind and be well organised and thorough in their work. A strong interest in sports, especially football, together with some knowledge of betting markets, in particular asian handicaps is desirable.
Candidates must be already authorized to work in the EU.

That is if it didn't involve programming


"It's a funny old game"

Jimmy Greeves


A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.


I'm really tired today. And apart from tonight, i've got a really hectic week during the day and in the evenings.

Tuesday: My Dad's down in London to have a look around my brother's new flat, so I have to trek all the way down to Wimbledon for a meal.

Wednesday: Should be out with Tim watching Liverpool get thumped by Chelsea in the Champions League.

Thursday: Drinks with work after our away day on Park Lane.

Friday: Dentist / Piss up round Kensington

Saturday: My mate Ziggy's party

To top it all off I have loads of work to do with this Katrina thing. Thank god, Rita wasn't that bad.


Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.


Friday 23 September 2005


Looks like my job's going to get even more interesting over the next few months.

Not only has Katrina kicked us in the balls. We now have Rita swinging in, due to hit America at some point tomorrow.

My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

-- Dorothy Parker

Tuesday 20 September 2005


Robbie's alien forecast

Robbie Williams is predicting an alien invasion within the next seven years.

The 31-year-old told Chris Evans on Radio 2: "I've been dreaming every night about UFOs, every night.

"I can't wait to go to sleep because my dreams have been so brilliant.

"I think they are definitely on their way, seriously. Mark my words. From now until 2012 - watch out, kids."


"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"

-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"

I want one

Wow! My mate James at work has just brought in his PSP. Show off! It's amazing. I didn't realise how good the graphics were going to be.

Very impressive!

Anybody want to get me one for Christmas?


I also want a new phone and a plasma / LCD TV, so whilst your getting me the PSP, you may as well get me those as well.

There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
-- Filthy Rich and Catflap

Ross's birthday meal

Rather than e-mailing you all separately I thought it'd be easier and quicker to consolidate a few things here.

Who's going?



Not confirmed



The Han, Market Harborough
Then the Knight's Lodge, Corby

We'll be getting a cab there and back so if you can post your thoughts up we can book things non-last minute.

Don't everyone thank me at once!
-- Han Solo

Friday 16 September 2005

AP forever

Amused me for 5 minutes


"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."

SC Movie Review 2

Spiderman II

Nothing on TV last night so I flicked through the movie channels. I didn't bother watching Spiderman II in the cinema as wasn't that fussed by the first film, but thought I may as well give it a go. It was either that or go to the gym.

Why is he so gay? He's got a totally fit bird after him throughout the film and yet does nothing. The special effects weren't too impressive for a big budget film and there was a huge lull in the middle when not a lot happened apart from Tobey McGuire becoming more gay.

Apart from that it past a couple of hours in what was quite a forgettable evening.

IMDb Rating: 7.9
SC Rating: 3 potatoes

I'm going to live forever, or die trying!

-- Spider Robinson

Tuesday 13 September 2005

A little help from my friends

There's a link to the Sports Interactive website on this page, unfortunatly due to websense being an arse I can't get access to it.

There's a beta version of FM06. If you could let me know the size or perhaps if you're extra special, download it and send it to my lycos...

A free beer is the prize.


I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.

-- Brendan Behan

Ross's birthday

Ross's birthday is on the 22nd of September and thought it would be nice if we could get him out for a beer or two and maybe a nice meal. Last time I spoke to him he suggested doing something at the end of the month to make sure that he's had enough time to recover.

Is everyone free on the 1st of October? I'll call him tonight and get some ideas on what he'd like to do. I imagine it'll be a quiet one without too much shenanigans.

On another note, although Ross is well on the way to recovery it would be nice if everyone can continue to pop in every now and again or perhaps a quick text / call to take the piss out of Nottingham Forest's division 1 form. He must be bored senseless sitting at home all day.


My dear People.

My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Friday 9 September 2005

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored and fucking bored 3

Help me Jebus!

I'm so fcuking bored. There are even less people in today! ARGH!

I need some bloody motivation. Anybody know where I can maybe buy some? Coffee trip for me in a minute. It's not a very good substitute but at least i'll be doing something.

It's 45 minutes before I can watch the cricket score tick along in my task bar.

"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
went back in time."

-- Steven Wright

Thursday 8 September 2005

Excerts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?", and you murmur to yourself "Sh*t, I wasn't listening - self-raising?". Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!! Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ..... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.

Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!". Norman Lovett at The Stand.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly.


Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.

-- Charles Bukowski

Wednesday 7 September 2005

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored and fucking bored 2

I am so fcuking bored right now!

Out of a team of 11 there are only 4 of us in right now. I haven't got much to do and am waiting for the go ahead on a big project.


Should be quite interesting but seeing as it's so close after the event there's not an awful lot we can do. I think I might get the phone now. That'll give me something to do...


Immortality consists largely of boredom.

-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8

Bikini Beach

Will wonders ever cease?

It's surprisingly addictive. The awkwardness of the poor girl trying to fill out her one hour slot interspersed with stupid idiots phoning in trying to win money.


Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is
suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Aaron Levenstein

Tuesday 6 September 2005

Monday 5 September 2005

Help. I need somebody...

Those evil swines at Websense have foiled me once again.

Can anyone download the FM Finland update (30.64 MB, 01-09-2005)?

Then send it to my address.

I'll send it to you once I have a helper.



Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be
smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to
lose interest.

Friday 26 August 2005

SC Album Review 2

Goldfrapp: Supernature

I bought it for the 1st track on the album, Ooh La La. First impressions are that the rest of the album doesn't live up to this song. I'll listen to it properly over the course of the week and get back to you.

Goldfish don't bounce.

-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard

SC Album Review 1

The Magic Numbers

Just bought Debut Album from The Magic Numbers.

Brilliant! Excellent melodies, lyrics and songs. It's put me in a good mood.

My advice...

Buy a copy today, or burn a copy off my PC.


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Arthur C. Clarke

Thursday 25 August 2005

BT are fcuking sh!t

I took the morning off so that the Sky 'engineer' could come round and install Sky (what else would he install?).

A couple of weeks ago I had to do the same so that BT could do their work (£70 + Line rental). This was essential so that the Sky could get registered. I was informed that everything was okay. Not needing an actual phone I didn't test it myself.

However the Sky box couldn't find a BT signal.

Fucking shit fuck bollocks wank cocks cunt!

And what makes it worse, is that their faults line is all automated so I can't shout at some poor pleb at BT.

Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp

Wednesday 24 August 2005

Family Guy

My brother's lent me a few DVDs

The highlight is

3.5 series of Family Guy (half of the fourth)
1 film of Family Guy
1 special of Family Guy

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Sherlock Holmes

Moving house

I helped my brother move into his new house yesterday.

All I had to do was help him shift a TV, washing machine and a piano. Very sore now. But got a free meal out of it so I can't complain.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

-- Benny Hill

Friday 19 August 2005


Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the
pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.
Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it explodes without warning.

Thursday 18 August 2005

Makes me sick on so many levels.

Well on perhaps only three levels. But i'm still sick.

- Firstly for the couple wanting Robbie Williams played at their wedding
- Secondly for the PC brigade getting their noses involved.
- Then to top it all off they opted for Shania Twain

What's the world coming to?

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.

-- Monty Python

Wednesday 10 August 2005

Warning to geeks everywhere

Ben and Ian especially. You've been playing far too much console games over the past few days. Give your brain a rest.


Mi estas komputilisto : I work with computers.

Afternoon session

One of my bosses left yesterday so I joined him for a quick lunchtime drink to send him off. 7 stelwaars later I went home.

I came in early to do the work I was supposed to do yesterday and perhaps take the flak for having an 'extended' 'lunch'. But they didn't even notice we'd gone.

Should have had a lye in.

P.S. Stelwaars IV: Revenge of the Alcohol, George Lucas's latest venture. After the tyranny of the Empire and the party on Endor. Luke, Han and C3P0 try and figure out what actually happened during the festivities.


"I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me."

Winston Churchill

Monday 8 August 2005

SC Movie Review 1

Man on Fire

Plot: A former assassin is hired to protect the daughter of a rich family in Mexico City. All goes wrong when she is kidnapped and in the bungled ransom payment ends up dead. Our hero Denzel does his duty and goes for lots of hurty payback.

I'm a big fan of Denzel and he certainly didn't disappoint here. Lots of action, bit of humour and lots of tasty revenge. I felt the story setting part at the beginning went on far too long which meant for an overly long film.

Overall, good film, watch it.

Rating:4 potatoes

"Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa."

Friday 5 August 2005


You've stood the test of time, but time is a match for no piece of text

Last homerism.

Homerisms(120) = "Lisa, two wrongs DO make a right."

Watch this space for more interesting quotes although they will never beat the quality that is Homer

Vodka jelly in a stella

We went to an under 35s reinsurance drinks party last night. Good fun.

Found a new drink too. Pint of stella with a glob of orange vodka jelly.

Mmmmm! Disgusting!

Homerisms(119) = "A gun is not a weapon Marge, it’s a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or ... or an alligator."

Thursday 4 August 2005


I went to the gym last night forgetting that i'd given blood earlier in the day. I lasted a whole 5 minutes. Dumb ass!

I actually got a certificate and a pin thing as it was my 10th time. Although saying that, it's my 10th time in London, they lost my previous details. Dumb asses!

Woke up stupidly early this morning so went for a 45 min swim. The place was empty so might try it again.

How's the cycling going Ben?

Homerisms(118) = "Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?"

Wednesday 3 August 2005

Andrew WK / Meat Loaf

Can you tell the difference?

New song from the man that is ROCK.

Homerisms(117) = "It's better to watch things then to do them."

Can you see the tumble weeds rolling by?

Where is everyone?

Am I the only one out here?

Come on guys, you must have something interesting to talk about...

Or at least something to talk about if you don't get up to anything interesting.

Ben's last post: 20th July 2005
Kris's last post: 6th April 2005
Ian's last post: 23rd February 2005
Tim's last post: 10th May 2004

P.S. I'm running out of Homerisms

Homerisms(116) = "I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood."

Monday 1 August 2005

Ross update 4

Good news.

For those that don't already know, but i'm sure that most of you do by now. Ross is now back at home. So if you want to go and see him he's now back at Manitoba.

First Brighton, then the world

I went to Brighton this weekend.

Pretty good laugh. I met up with a few of my old uni mates, including Robyn. It was good to see them all. Some of which I haven't seen for over 3 years.

Hopefully it won't be 3 years till the next time.

They've all been away travelling at one time or another and absolutely loved it. I'm seriously tempted to try and get a sabbatical from work and take a couple of months away.

You can get round the world tickets for about a grand.

Homerisms(115) =

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!

Homer: Did you wreck the car?

Bart: No.

Homer: Did you raise the dead?

Lisa: Yes.

Homer: But the car's okay?

Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.

Homer: All right then."

Friday 29 July 2005

Very funny.

Homerisms(114) =

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.

Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: Okay, I will!

Thursday 28 July 2005

Shitist film ever award goes to...


Channel 5 last night.

What was the budget? Not much.

Only redeeming feature (for Ben) is that Sean Pertwee is in it.

Homerisms(113) = "The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth."

I'm off to Brighton on Saturday

I'm heading down to Brighton this Saturday to see a few of my old uni mates. Most of which I haven't seen for about 3 years, one of which is my ex, Robyn. Should be interesting...

Am quite looking forward to it really, if only to see how much everyone's swelled.

Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.

Top film.

Homerisms(112) = "Stupid risks make life worth living."

Ross update 3

Ross is doing much better and wants to thank everyone who's come along to visit him over the past few days.

I saw him yesterday and he's now up and about, not as mobile as he'd like but considering how he was last week it's amazing.

Praise Jebus!

If you've seen the photos of the car wreck you'd be amazed too.

For anyone that hasn't been to see him yet, he's in Room 4 Fotheringhay Unit, in Kettering General. Visiting times are between 2-8pm.

Friday 22 July 2005

I'm off to a Summer Ball tonight

Our annual Summer ball is on tonight, so i'll be tuxido'd up with a lovely bow tie.

I'll be sure to post lovely photos of me up on my Moblog as soon as I get them, although my phone's been playing up again so you may have to wait.

Homerisms(111) = "I don't have to be careful. I got a gun."

Thursday 21 July 2005

Ross Update 2

Good news

Just had a text from Shaheen and Ross should be getting transfered to Kettering in the next few days.

The DVD player is at Lloyd's but hasn't been passed onto me yet.


Just got back from a team lunch, but heard the news from a text.

190 all out!

Seriously though, heard about the bombs too.

We were less than 10 mins walk from the Shoreditch bomb.

We've just been told to stay in the building....


Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?

Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

What a joke

Get your anti slavery writ bands here???

Or my favourite…

Sharing the promise?

Makes me sick

How about these gems?

...Caring the love...

... Cherishing the feeling

Homerisms(109) = "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."

Wednesday 20 July 2005

Update on Ross

I spoke to his Mum on Monday night plus saw Shaz yesterday and things are looking up for Ross.

He's now had his broken arm fixed and may not have to got to Glasgow afterall. The may be able to fly him closer to home.

I'll keep you all up to date, as soon as I hear anything new.

Monday 18 July 2005


As you know Ross had a nasty car crash on Sunday morning.

I know we all wish him well.

Ross's still in a lot of pain but his Mum told me last night that the doctors think he'll be okay in a few months time. I think once he's stabilised they're going to try and take him to a specialist unit in Glasgow.

I'll try and keep you all up to date with events.

I'll probably try and head up early next week to see how he's getting on, if anyone else fancies a trip up to Scotland just let me know and we can sort it out together.

Get well soon cards would be nice too. For now, send them to

1 Manitoba Close
NN18 9HX



Wednesday 13 July 2005

For your entertainment tonight

Escape from New York

10:00pm - 11:55pm


Including Entertainment News Update at 10.55

Sullen Kurt Russell impersonates Clint Eastwood in this tough futuristic western from director John Carpenter that never surpasses or fulfils the ingenuity of its premise - Manhattan island as a maximum security prison where the president's plane has crashed. Closely resembling Assault on Precinct 13 in tone and plot dynamics, it's certainly Carpenter's slickest looking film, with the presence of Lee Van Cleef reinforcing its Sergio Leone associations. But, despite a marvellous night-time opening sequence, this slice of escapism often disappoints, though it still rates higher than the poor 1996 sequel Escape from LA.

Homerisms(107) = "The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?"

Monday 11 July 2005

The Sky's the limit

Trying to get sky installed in my flat is harder than it sounds.

First of all I need to get a phone line installed, which I don't need (£10/m).

I phoned BT up and they said there would be a £75 charge. Geez, that's hardly fair. I'm going to see if it's cheaper with other companies later.


Homerisms(106) = [reading screen] 'To Start Press Any Key'

Where's the ANY key?

I see Esk ['ESC'], Catarl ['CTRL'], and Pig-Up ['PGUP'].

There doesn't seem to be any ANY key."

Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key]."

Wednesday 6 July 2005

Just had lunch with Ian and Wolfy at 12

Only just got back to the office...

It's also one of the guys birthdays at work so had to meet up with them later on.

Unfortunately I have a 4pm meeting with one of our managing agents so coffee all afternoon for me.

Homerisms(105) = "The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek."

Lloyd's 2005 Staff Christmas Party

The moment you've been waiting for is finally here!

After considering your feedback from last year's party, we can now reveal that this year's Christmas Party will be held at the........

No 1 Bank End

Friday 9th December

7pm - 12am

Surrounded by a Samurai Nights Theme with authentic Japanese design, you will be greeted with a cocktail upon arrival followed by a variety of food stalls providing you with the delicious tastes of the Orient as well as a combination of traditional food.

Drinks will be provided throughout the evening and you can dance the night away to a varied selection of music from all eras in the Tokyo night club.

Getting to the Vinopolis couldn't be easier as it's located within walking distance from London Bridge station. A shuttle bus service will be provided for London staff from the Lloyd's building to the venue, and for Chatham staff, coaches will be provided to and from the venue. Plus, a taxi marshal will also be available at the end of the evening for anyone who wishes to use it.

It's a night you can't afford to miss!

How it affects you:
Attending will lead to an immense amount of joy and excitement!

Homerisms(104) = "Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?"

Tuesday 5 July 2005

A tear in my eye

Steven Gerrard has said that he wants to leave Liverpool.

Fuck him! Cash in on the scouse twat. £35m.

This is real life, not Football Manager

Homerisms(103) =

Homer: Marge , i 'm bored.

Marge: Why don 't you read something?

Homer: Because i 'm trying to REDUCE my boredom.

Monday 4 July 2005

Very happy chappy

I moved in successfully on Thursday night and made sure I sorted everything out. Eventually I got to bed around 12:30.

I'm very pleased with the new place. Almost perfect in fact. Exactly what I need.

I'll be having a weekend of fun in a couple of weeks so Ben, Ian, Kris, Ross and Tim you are all invited to stay over. Sleeping bags recommended. At the moment i'm thinking 30th July, although it maybe the weekend either side. I hope you can all attend.

Homerisms(102) = "If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!"

Wednesday 29 June 2005

Bruges is back on

Phew! A few days ago, we thought our beer jolly in Bruges was going to get called off because our two bosses have recently quit. But we've been told that it's back on, but as long as we behave ourselves.

How old are we? We're certainly not school children.

The age range of the people that are going is 25-43. Mean average is about 32. What are we going to do? Get deported?

Anyway, we're on our way to Bruges next Thursday.

Homerisms(101) = "kids , kids.i 'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people."

Greatest film ever awards

I watched the Goonies again last night.

It's a great film and has stood the test of time. It was during the storms that swept across London last night, quite spectacular really. To add to the whole feeling I lit a few candles.

Too my surprise, I found that I could almost recite the whole script. It just goes to show how many times i've watched it over the years.


Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad , what 's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories."

Tuesday 28 June 2005

Bloody estate agents

Still no nearer to getting things sorted with my flat!!!

I've e-mailed and called this girl yesterday and again today and she still hasn't got back to me. I'm here waiting to given them the money.

Quite pissed off really, they've been totally lame. It'll really fuck me about if I can't move in on Thursday. I'll end up like Alan Partridge in a Travel Tavern or even worse, have to stay at my Mum's for a while. I couldn't hack that.


It's amazing how apt, some of these Homerisms are...

Homerisms(99) = "I'm a rageaholic. I just can't live without rageahol."

Tuesday 21 June 2005

This week, I will mostly be smiling.

Just heard the results of my restated 3 month pay review. 4k pay rise back dated to April, which equates to a £9k pay rise. 34.6%

My face has much smugness...

And yes, even more than usual.

Homerisms(98) = "Without TV, it's hard to know when one day ends and another begins."

Friday 17 June 2005

New flat

I've found my new flat. I'm going to put an offer in at some point today so hopefully i'll be able to haggle the agent down a bit. Two agents actually showed me round the same place so I think I might be able to get quite a bit off. Fingers crossed.

It's just a studio flat, but plenty big enough for me. I think the main selling point is that it's nice and new and I don't have to worry about furnishings and stuff as that's all taken care of. Having a gym and a lap pool will be cool too.

I'll be moving on the 30th of June so let me know your availability for drinks during July. Probably have a few at he flat then off into Greenwich for a mojito.

Homerisms(97) = "Liquor drunkens me."

Ben was right...

... As shocking as it sounds. Ben was in fact correct in his pre analysis of GTA: San Andreas.

I'm not really into the whole gansta culture so at the moment I haven't really got into the game yet.

I think once i've got a few random granny kills under my belt I will feel fine. And then begin to enjoy the game.

Homerisms(96) = "I don 't know how much longer I can complain"

Thursday 16 June 2005

I've got a 2 and a half minute presentation in 30 mins

Yes that's 2 and a half whole minutes!

We've got a massive project on the go and they're going to be using a few of my spreadsheets to help them.

It's in front of 60 people so am bricking it. Should be okay though.

My slot's near the end, so hopefully people will be asleep by that point.

Homerisms(95) = "Note to self: Stop Doing Anything"

Wednesday 15 June 2005

Portable. Hmmm.

FM 2006 PSP features

PSP overview
Complete tactical options to allow a manager to influence a match
Every player has an accurate player history
30 players in a squad
Realistic commentary style match engine and computer manager intelligence
Staff feedback on the current squad via coach and physio reports
Realistically simulated media involvement, including transfer rumors
Agent approaches and dressing room unrest
A full interactive transfer system simulating modern day negotiations, including player loans, signings etc.
Realistically simulated world of football, giving information about transfers, results and injuries involving the big names.

Homerisms(94) = "There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it."

Tuesday 14 June 2005

Off to Brixton next Tuesday.

I'm going to see Audioslave.

I am so out of touch with music. How did I not know about them?

Sound Garden's ex-singer with Rage Against the Machine!!!


Homerisms(93) = "Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different."

Friday 10 June 2005

My team's away day next month

We're getting the Eurostar to Bruges, getting the beer bus delivered then we're getting sh!tfaced.

A perfect day.

Homerisms(92) = "Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire."

3 pints of stella at lunch time...

He, he. Looks like i'm going to do bugger all for the rest of the day.

Just been out for birthday drinks for one of my bosses.

Homerisms(91) = "Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.

The star

Wow! I didn't know he did so much.


Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!
Wolf Tracer's Dinosaur Island
Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe In Santa
Forgotten Realms: Icewind Dale - Heart of Winter

Homerisms(90) = "Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die."

Mark "Fatty" Hamill

What's going on with his jaw?

Homerisms(89) = "Hey Flanders, It 's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win."

Monday 6 June 2005

I'm finally back at work

Hello everyone

It's been ages since my last post. Hope everyone's well.

I've been off ill all last week so sorry for the lack of pointless posts.

I bet you've all missed me.

Homerisms(87) = "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

Friday 27 May 2005


We had a departmental pool competition last night and I won the booby prize.


It's a signed and framed photo of my boss!

Bastards! And it wasn't my fault either.

I was partnered with a novice girl.

Very funny though, and a really good night out.

Homerisms(86) = "you 're not the only one that can abuse a non profit organization!"

Wednesday 18 May 2005


Homerisms(85) = "All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body."


Guess who I just got an e-mail from

Gary Birney!

I don't think i've seen or heard of him in ages.

That was a blast from the past.

Homerisms(84) = "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

Monday 16 May 2005

Sod Celebrity Wrestling

Unfortunatly I think this is a mock up.

Homerisms(83) = "Ooh, a graduate student huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?"

Thursday 12 May 2005

Quest for the perfect coffee

There are 3 Starbucks right next to my building (including one inside) and another 50+ generic franchised coffee shops within half a mile I fancied something different.

Just had coffee with Nicola and we found a really nice Italian place near by.

It looks as though they do good sandwiches too.

I may have to investigate further.

The Quest continues...

Watch this space for other Quests in the ongoing journey of Stuart Clark's spirtual fullfilment.

To follow:

-Best Pub
-Best Lager
-Best Steak
-Best ...

Homerisms(82) = "Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once."

Tuesday 10 May 2005

1km swim

I went for a swim yesterday after work and am paying for it now. My arms are killing me.

I think it's god's way of telling people not to exercise.

I've planned to go again tonight but may try and get out of it. There's football on and nice cold beers waiting elsewhere.

Homerisms(81) = "You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning."

House buying

The talk of Kris and my brother buying a house in the near future has got me thinking about it myself.

Getting together a deposit my be tricky.

But it's certainly an option. And worth thinking about. Although I may scale down any future house parties.

Homerisms(80) = "I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."

Monday 9 May 2005

Brother's hand side effect

My brother though his luck was pretty bad after breaking a finger in his hand last week whilst playing rugby, but looked on the bright side as at least it wasn't his right hand.

However, bored at home a couple of days ago he fired up his ninja PC for a quick game of Half-life 2 or maybe Doom 3.

Argh! His left hand has been rendered useless in terms of movement, no circular straithing. If only he enjoyed CM/FM, then he simply wouldn't have that problem.

Homerisms(79) = "Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it."

Wednesday 4 May 2005

I'm off to see Hitchiker's guide tonight

The two tickets cost £16.10

Say no more.

Homerisms(78) = "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

Champions League Final


Liverpool beat Chelsea last night and are now in the Champions League Final, probably against Milan.

P.S. This is in real life, not football manager.

Homerisms(77) = "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here."

Wednesday 27 April 2005

Can I get this for Robbie Williams tracks?

Homerisms(76) = "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

Tuesday 26 April 2005

Alcoholic? Me?

I'm out or at least drinking every night from Wednesday next week until Tuesday the next week!

And as i'm typing this i'm out tonight with the flat.

26th Waterloo
27th Football game
28th Wine tasting in the city
29th Office move so out drinking at 3pm
30th Rugby promotion play-off / team night out
1st Either out with Katie or drinks with you lot
2nd Out with Katie


Homerisms(75) = "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

Fate once again. Is there no end to Homer's wisdom?

When I talk about drink, he comes out with a wonderful drink anecdote.

Monday 25 April 2005

Just did my bit for mankind

Just given blood.

The girl next to me was a bleeder. Made a right mess of her top. it looked like she was stabbed.

I think I broke my pb for speed though. Less than 5 minutes. High blood presure does have it's advantages...

Homerisms(74) = "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

Friday 22 April 2005

Best site in the world ever

Homerisms(73) = "You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide."


Is anyone having dificulty sending pictures to moblog?

Homerisms(72) = "You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!"


Dear all,

Does anyone fancy going to Oktoberfest this year? 17th September - 3rd October 2005

Probably thinking about going for a long weekend or something...

The Munich Oktoberfest - known by the locals as the "Wiesn" - is the biggest public festival in the world and will be held in 2005 for the 172nd time. Each year, the Oktoberfest is attended by around 6 million visitors, who drink more than 5 million liters of beer and consume over 200,000 pairs of pork sausages - mostly in the "beer tents" put up by the traditional Munich breweries.

At the foot of the Bavaria statue, the huge Oktoberfest grounds also provide carousels, roller coasters and all the spectacular fun of the fair for the enjoyment and excitement of visitors of all ages.

The festivities are accompanied by a program of events, including the Grand Entry of the Oktoberfest Landlords and Breweries, the Costume and Riflemen's Procession, and a concert involving all the brass bands represented at the "Wies'n".

Homerisms(71) = "Yes, honey ... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."

Thursday 21 April 2005

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored and fucking bored

I am so fucking bored. I've done 90% of my work and am just waiting on other people to finish theirs before I can finish things here. Arg! It's so frustrating. Anybody know any good jokes? Homerisms(70) = "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

I'm starving

For some reason I woke up at about 5am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.


Now i'm hungry. Plus my mate just got himself a big fat doorstop of a sandwich from the best sandwich shop in the world.

I may have to venture out. At least it's a nice day.

Homerisms(69) = "When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something."

Wednesday 20 April 2005

My plans for the weekend

Homerisms(68) = "What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."

Tuesday 19 April 2005

Red Lion, Wellam

I went out for a meal on Saturday night to the Red Lion. We ended up having to wait for around 2 hours before getting seated.

We were hardly in a hurry so just waited by the bar so it was too be expected. It was quite embarrassing watching some of the other groups hovering around tables like vultures waiting for a table to vacate. Very rude if you ask me.

Finally we got seated and I looked at the menu. The 48oz was off the menu at the weekend so I had to think. 32oz of what? I could have done a steak but didn't really fancy it, in the end I went for the Mighty Man's mixed grill. 32oz of meet and bone.

When it arrived I tucked in. A quarter way through my Mum proclaimed that I could never finish it all.

It was like a rag to a bull...

...but not before upping the anti.

Once the £10 were laid on the table I ate fork full after fork full. Gradually slowing until I finished the lot. Then I was reminded about the bowl of chips.

Uuuggghhh!!! I felt shit, but a bet's a bet.

And as stubborn person is stubborn I forced the lot down my tiny mouth.

Much bragging passed across the table and me 1kg heavier I had won.

The moral of the story is never bet Stuart anything. He rarely loses...

...even if it kills him

I would also like to point out that it was easilly the most disgusting meal I had ever eaten. It was awful. I doubt i'll ever go there again. I need to find somewhere else where I can find the illusive 48oz steak.

Homerisms(68) = "What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."

Beer festival

Is the beer festival on again this year?

Is it around Ian's birthday again?

Can we all make it?

I suggested it to my brother and he seemed keen.

I'll see what Ross thinks again.

Ben: Better get some practice in...

I'll have to design a template for the official scorecard.

Perhaps a penalty for being sick.

When Ian gets hilariously shitfaced again a vote must be made for who keeps track of the rest of the scores.


Homerisms(67) = "This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"

Monday 18 April 2005

Have you all missed me?

Back at work and have only just deleted all of my dodgy e-mails?

Just in case they're listening...

I don't need

-Cheap prescription drugs
-Cheap software
-Horny house wives

Homerisms(66) = "This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit."

Friday 8 April 2005

Holiday for a week

I'm off from work next week so you'll have to get by without my ramblings for 9 days.

What will you all do? Some work perhaps?

I'm off to Bristol for a couple of days but then back in London. Katie's coming down to see me at some point so I have to think of something intersting to do. Any ideas?

I don't think she'd appreciate just going to the pub and getting shitfaced every night, which is what I would do if any of you guys were down.

Homerisms(65) = "Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world."

Thursday 7 April 2005


It's more than a month away. Have they not got jobs to go to?

Ben: Can I start queuing outside your house so that I can watch you getting over excited when Yoda comes on screen? How much are the tickets?

Homerisms(64) = "Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

The party to end all parties

Current plan (subject to change)

I'm booze shopping tomorrow night


Put in your order now if you have any preference. otherwise it'll be sherry, Stella, cherryade and Hula Hoops.

I've been asked to ask you guys to bring bottles of spirits if possible. But I say just bring what you want.

I'm not playing rugby this weekend so i'll be around in London whenever you get here. I'll have to fart around the house and help the gitls set things up at some point but I think everything should be starting at around 8ish.

Fingers crossed the weather will hold.

Homerisms(63) = "Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that."

This is pretty much my job...""

Tuesday 5 April 2005

Liverpool v's Juventus

I hope everybody's got their fingers crossed.

Liverpool's biggest game in years.

My prediction: 1-1

Not a bad result but very tough to go over to Turin in two weeks time and overturn the away goal.

Homerisms(62) = "Oh, Lisa, you and your stories ... Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that ... building ... thingie ... where our beds and TV ... is."

Blithe Spirit

I went to see a play last night. Kate managed to get 4 free tickets (should have been £45).

Blithe Spirit at the Savoy Theatre, the Strand. It was a black comedy set in the 40's.

I had to put aside all my preconceptions but by doing so, had a really good time.

That doesn't mean to say that i'll ever go to a musical

And don't worry ladies, I'm not going to turn into a luvie.

Homerisms(61) = "Oh , everything 's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."

Monday 4 April 2005

Something to cheer you up

Homerisms(60) = "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman -- and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

Give it a rest... More people cared about Diana dieing than the pope.

What proportion of the UK are actually Catholics anyway? I bet there are more Jedi.

Why does the media have to force this tripe on us again and again? By saturation of media they are forcing people to have false emotions for someone. It’s wrong. People should be able to make there own minds up about events in this world without getting force-fed how they ought to feel.

Yes, he's undoubtedly done a lot of good for the world but the media interaction is immoral and brings about mass hysteria. And they paint the picture that all he has done is good. That is simply not true.

I hereby reserve my place in hell.

Is it fate that this Homerism came up???

Homerisms(59) = "Lord help me, I'm just not that bright."

Friday 1 April 2005

Let's see

Can anyone remember the name of our old history teacher at the CTC?

Homerisms(58) = "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

April fool funnies

Homerisms(57) = "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers"


Another 7 pints...

I really must stop mid-week drinking. I canny take it anymore captain. I've done most of what's asked of me this week so hopefully I can keep my head down and have a nice easy day.

I think I might head downstairs to starbucks and blow some money on a frapacino. £3.10 of cold goodness.

Homerisms(56) = "It 's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."

Wednesday 30 March 2005

Impromtu nights out are always the best

I feel rough, help me Jebus!

I was about to go home last night and venture out on a run but just as I was leaving I was asked if I wanted a quick beer. It had been a tough day and the fact that I have no will power with that kind of thing I said yes…

…7 quick beers later I staggered back to Battersea in the pouring rain. Soaked.

I’ve got another tough day today so expect another hungover story tomorrow morning.

Homerisms(55) = "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

Tuesday 29 March 2005

Plans for Saturday

What's going on this Saturday then?

Anything I have to bring?


Who's coming?

What sort of time? I should have sorted everything out with rugby by 6ish.

Homerisms(54) = "If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

Thursday 24 March 2005

A blessing in disguise

I took a knock to by jaw playing rugby last night. I thought i'd broken it again. after a 4 hour wait at St thomas's Hospital Westminster they gave me the all clear to go.

I still can't shut my mouth.

I've done everything that I had to do at work so my boss had told me that I can head home at lunchtime!


Homerisms(53) = "I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."

Tuesday 22 March 2005

Bomb alert...


We've just had a message over the tannoy to tell us that we have been advised by the police to stay within the building.

A suspect vehicle has been found near work.

I thought something was odd when they were cordoning off one of the streets on my way to work.

Homerisms(52) = "I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, The bus that couldn't slow down."

Monday 21 March 2005


I bought CM5 on Saturday. Oh dear. Lots of problems.

But I guess FM05 had lots of problems too.

I've just managed to download the patch so hopefully that will solve most of them.

We shall see.

Homerisms(51) = "I know you can read my thoughts boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow"

ipod or not ipod? That is the question...

Shakespeare of the 21st century.

I want to waste some money on a mp3 player.

Which one shall I buy?

Creative labs Zen

Tough choice but someone has to do it.

Homerisms(50) = "I hope I didn't brain my damage."

Wednesday 16 March 2005

Get the mother fcuk in!!!!!!!!!!!

Just got it!


Plus a pay review in June!!! That was out of the blue!!!!

Homerisms(49) = "I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"

The pay review / bonus slips have turned up...

But the gits haven't told us yet!

Hurry up. This is like waiting for exam results, or waiting for Santa.

Homerisms(48) = "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t ... I mean s-m-A-r-t."

Monday 14 March 2005

I have a smile that is actually wider then my entire face

It is unconfirmed at the moment but I think I know what my pay rise will be next month. Don't know about my bonus yet. All confrimed tomorrow or early this week.

We have a flexible benefit system at work where you can pick and choose things like holidays, private health, pension etc, and I think it's been updated early.

Needless to say, if it is correct I will buy my entire readership one beer. Print out this page as a voucher. One voucher per person. Judge's (Me) verdict final. No cash substitutes.

Current readership: 3 (+2)

Homerisms(47) = "What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Friday 11 March 2005

I want one

Homerisms(46) = "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"


I went out to see the band Thunder last night with a mate from work.

Very good!

70s bluesy rock!

On another note, I looked into getting tickets for Ben Folds and was shocked to see them priced at £30 excluding booking/handling fees!

Fcuk off!

What a rip off.

Homerisms(45) = "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

Thursday 10 March 2005

I went out with Ross last night

I'm feeling tired now.

I only had about 6 pints but i'm shattered.

I doubt i'll be very productive today.

I'm organising a team night out so may do some work on that.

I will design a pool competition.

Homerisms(44) = "Do I know what rhetorical means?"

Wednesday 9 March 2005

My brother's just bought a £1800 Uber Ninja PC

3.8Ghz, 19inch flat panel


At least I have better speakers.

Homerisms(43) = "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

Tuesday 8 March 2005


Seeing how successful last year's holiday was, does anyone fancy doing a similar thing this year?

By similar thing, I mean not really a similar thing, as for one reason or another we did bugger all.

I'd like to point out that none of those reasons were because of me.

Homerisms(42) = "Bart , you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!"

Monday 7 March 2005

What a sad, sad world we live in

Big Brother wins the vote

More young Brits have voted in reality TV shows than are likely to vote at the next general election, according to a survey.

The YouGov survey for the Daily Telegraph found fewer than 42% of first-time voters think they will vote in the election.

Yet 46% said they had already voted for contestants in shows such as Big Brother and Pop Idol.

The 18- to 22-year-olds, who make up nearly a 10th of the electorate, seemed to have little interest in party politics.

More than half claim not to know what a "constituency" is and nearly half said they had no idea who would make the best prime minister.

Homerisms(41) = "Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) mmm ... sacrelicious."

Friday 4 March 2005

Tim has finally made it.

Last weekend I drove past The Amersham Arms, New Cross. For those not in the know, this is one of the London venues of the Legion of Doom's latest tour.

Guess who's playing there next month...

Chaz and Dave

Yes you heard right.

The mighty

Chaz and Dave

Homerisms(40) = "Aw , Dad, you 've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

Thursday 3 March 2005

Friday plans

Don't think i'll be able to get Friday off from work after all.

I have another special meeting to attend that has been postponed to tomorrow.

Homerisms(39) = "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

Pile of Wank!

On the day of the patch update from FM2005, our work websense decides to block the site!

Homerisms(38) = "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"

Wednesday 2 March 2005

Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire

Bill Gates gets an honery knighthood.

Sounds like something Bill and Ted would confer.

Homerisms(37) = "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."

Tuesday 1 March 2005


Homerisms(36) = "All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

Monday 28 February 2005

Is this a Banksy?

Homerisms(35) = "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

I've moved in... finally.


Finally moved house. I managed to get most of my stuff downstairs on the Saturday, and then only two trips to and throw to Battersea.

Good job my brother no longer has the Peugeot 106!

Homerisms(34) = "Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will."

Friday 25 February 2005

Sod that!

They want me to go back and play this weekend...

Good job i'm moving houses and can't!!!

Homerisms(33) = "Rock stars... Is there anything they don't know?"

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Story of the Day

Homerisms(32) = "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

I'm no longer homeless

I move in on Sunday. I cut it a little fine, but you know me. I like to live life to the xtream...

It's really nice. Sharing with another couple of girls, no cat unfortunately. I may have to steal her.

In between Clapham and Battersea.

FYI Northern Line to Clapham Common then a 10-15 minute walk (down hill).

Homerisms(31) = "Good things don't end in -arium, they end in -mania or -rama "

Tuesday 22 February 2005

Amusing site

Homerisms(30) = "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use"

Friday 18 February 2005

Steven Seagal or Jesus

Hard to Kill

Mason Storm, a 'go it alone' cop, is gunned down at home. The intruders kill his wife, and think they've killed both Mason and his son too. Mason is secretly taken to a hospital where he spends several years in a coma. His son meanwhile is growing up thinking his father is dead. When Mason wakes up, everyone is in danger - himself, his son, his best friend, his nurse - but most of all those who arranged for his death.

Favourite Steven Seagal quote:

"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."

If you'd have watched the start of the film last night you'd know why I called him Jesus

Homerisms(29) = "Homer: Lisa, honey. Are you saying your never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"

"Lisa: No!"

"Homer: Ham?"

"Lisa: No!"

"Homer: Porkchops?"

"Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!"

"Homer: heh, heh yeah right Lisa, a wonderful magical animal heh heh"

200th post

Thursday 17 February 2005

Having a look round a flat in Clapham tonight

Fingers crossed it's nice.

It's a bit far out, 20mins walk to the tube. But we'll see.

Homerisms(28) = "I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb"

Shock, horror, X-box is shit

Homerisms(27) = "Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin. Sigh, I wish I was dead"

Wednesday 16 February 2005

Stuart on the Streets

I've been so busy over the past few weeks I haven't really had a chance to look for a flat!

I will therefore be homeless on the 28th! Better pull my finger out.

Homerisms(26) = "Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Doh! He's always one step ahead"

Tuesday 15 February 2005



It's pretty good!!!

I bought it on Saturday morning and played it all morning before I had to get up and go to Dublin. Probably what i'm going to be doing tonight. Although I also bought Dodgeball so may watch that at some point.

Homerisms(25) = "Does whisky count as beer?"

Tuesday 8 February 2005


I've got a presentation to do in front of 20 people on Friday.


I hate them.

A whole hour!

Homerisms(24) = "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

Friday 4 February 2005

Just nailed a piece of work

Ha, ha.


The world...

... or at least Lloyd's can now look at cross cycle ULR management by agent and class of business back to 93.

Homerisms(23) = "Lisa: Welcome to Homer's BBBQ. The extra 'B' stands for BYOBB"

"Bart: Whats that 'B' for?"

"Homer: Typo "

Tuesday 1 February 2005

Ross has got a new car

It's a new Corsa.

don't laugh

1.8 16v SRI. What ever that means...

I asume it isn't a diesel though.

"goes like fuck!"

Homerisms(22) = "Oh, so they have the Internet on computers now"

Me? Blow my own Trumpet...

Just had my appraisal feedback. Only one way to describe it.


Homerisms(21) = "Brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, so let's figure this out, and then I can get back to killing you with beer."

This week I have mostly been playing

Diablo II

It's still pretty good fun after all those years.

And once i'm fed up of hitting monsters with my two handed sword.

I play the old faithful.

FM05 (formerly CM)

Homerisms(20) = "Oh Lisa, everyone knows vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos!"

Monday 31 January 2005

Is anyone buying...

Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster, the DVD!!

Or saw it in the cinema?

Homerisms(19) = "America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"

Mornin my babs

Good morning everyone!

Things are all quiet on the London front. Thankfully...

I'm shattered. And that's after an early night 9:15.

Ben: How was 24? Or the Jack Bower Power hour as you like to call it? Did his stupid daughter get herself into trouble again?

Homerisms(18) = "If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English"

Thursday 27 January 2005

Eat my goal!

Get in! In fact get fucking in!!!!

I was due to be having my annual appraisal at this time today however I've had to postpone until tomorrow morning because of a new project i've been working on. As luck would have it we've just had a fire alarm which would have been right smack in the middle of it.

On top of that and certainly more importantly I've just been talking to my big boss outside in the plaza and he said that I will be doing appraisals next year myself!!!

Definite promotion, with staff!!!

Anybody want a job?


My appraisal is tomorrow, but won't find out about bonus and pay until the 14th of March.

Anyone free to get absolutely shitfaced the weekend after?

Homerisms(17) = "Trying is the first step towards failure"

Tuesday 25 January 2005


Fruit flavoured Belgian beer.

Urg! Do I feel rough.

Tasted good at the time though.

How can I describe it?

A premium priced snakebite and black.


Homerisms(15) = "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed"

Friday 21 January 2005


Will the PC version be better than the X-box's?

Homerisms(12) = "Your movie was more boring than church"

Where can I get a copy?

Homerisms(11) = "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"

Congrats to Kristof and Kirsty

Best wishes and all the best for the new born.

The first round of drinks are on me.

Homerisms(10) =

"Homer: Aww 20 dollars, but I wanted a peanut"

"Homer's Brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts"

"Homer: *gasp* Explain how!"

"Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services"

"Homer: Woo-hoo I found 20 dollars"

Thursday 20 January 2005

Would your parents let you do this in their back yard?

Homerisms(9) = "I'm in no condition to drive, wait, I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk."

Wednesday 19 January 2005

Good luck Kristoff

A very nervous Mr Matthews is about to become a daddy for the first time.

Best of wishes and good luck

Keep us posted with the good news.

Homerisms(8) = "I want it all: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles. Sure, I may offend some of the blue-birds with my cocky stride and musky odors. The so-called 'City Fathers,' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Tuesday 18 January 2005

Websense is no more...

For some reason websense isn't functioning at the moment. Wwhhooppiiee!!!!

Must find all my old websites.

Homerisms(7) = "If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxy and such and such…"

Monday 17 January 2005

Top of the morning to ya...

I should be having an all expenses paid jolly over in Ireland next month.

There's an R (statistical analysis langauge) conference in Dublin that a couple of us from work 'need' to go to.

Get in!

Homerisms(6) = "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or loose, it's how drunk you get"

Friday 14 January 2005

"a star in heaven driving Jesus to Asda in his taxi".

Am I a bad person for laughing at this quote?

Homerisms(5) = "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! The're about to announce the lottery numbers…"

Project Sunshine


Homerisms(4) = "Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things"

Coming to America

Should have won an oscar.

It even stars Darf Vader, DR Benton from ER (Soul Glow), Samuel L Jackson and Cuba Gooding Jr.

Homerisms(3) = "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman"

Thursday 13 January 2005

What the PC was originally designed for...

I'm thinking about getting a laptop.

Homerisms(2) = "Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot, that he himself could not eat it?"

Wednesday 12 January 2005

Poor old mini me

More midget shenanigans

Homerisms(1) = "If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively"

New initiative

We need a new breeding programme for umpalumpas

Thursday 6 January 2005

Pain in the neck

I've been off sick from work for two days this week.

Nothing to worry about but I had to go to A&E on Monday (the girls in my flat made me), as I slept awkwardly on my neck on the Saturday night and was in a lot of pain. Much better now but that's probably due to the 3 types of drugs I've been taking. I'm just back at work today.