Thursday 23 December 2004

A post from his Lordship

Only two days till Christmas and all is quiet. Could have something to do with everyone's hangover.

5 stellas at lunch time certainly has that effect on me.

Then I was off to a party in a pub in Bethnal Green. got back in time for a chinese and caught Steven Hawkins on the national comedy awards.

Friday 19 November 2004

Beating the system...

Getting round the fascist regime that calls itself Websense.,1518,grossbild-408297-328170,00.html

Go to German sites.

Thursday 18 November 2004


Smiths of Smithfields

Wow! What a venue. Excellent!

We have to go here next time you guys are down. Maybe not the top floor as that's far too expensive but we ate on the 2nd floor and it was about £30/h including wine and starters. Very good!

Ben: You can even get a rare steak if you order it!

Wednesday 17 November 2004

The Life and Times of Stuartini Clarketti III

Al-Fayed entrusted Clarketti with two tasks when he took over the managers role at Fulham. Secure a safe mid-table position in the league and reduce the club’s enormous wage bill.

Clarketti new that the later would take care of itself with the imminent retirements of Marlet (£40,000/w) and Cole (£30,000/w) but securing mid-table safety was a different matter. Key games against the elite teams were coming up and Fulham team had to stand up to be counted.

Newcastle Away 0-2 (W)
Chelsea Home 1-2 (L)
Liverpool Home 2-1 (W)

Things were looking good. Fulham were slowly but surely climbing their way up the league. A nice distraction was a healthy run in the FA cup resulting in a valiant loss to Liverpool in the semi-final.

10th place was secured with 1 game remaining and the Fulham players gave their fans an end of season bonus. A 4-1 victory over London rivals Spurs.

A pleasant surprise came the way of two of the Fulham players gaining awards. Most surprising was that of Stern John, Fulham’s talented young striker. He won both the Premiership Player’s Player award and Young Player of the year award. Not only that he won the prestigious European Golden Boot having scored the most goals out of any player in Europe (27) despite not having played in the European competitions giving him the extra games.

Steed Malbranque was also to receive an award, he managed 3rd place in the Premiership’s Player of the season, with an average rating of 7.69.

Despite achieving more than was asked Al-Fayed only gave Clarketti £600,000 transfer money for the up and coming season. Initially aggrieved, Clarketti decided to get on with what he does best. Manage a football team.

The new season beckons, what highs and lows will happen nobody knows…

Ben's birthday on the 20th

Everything's lining up to be a good do!

Jackie's Sister
Jakie's Sister's boyfriend
Tim's Misses

Anyone else...?

Shaheen's in England for the next week but he's not going back to Corby.

Tuesday 16 November 2004

A time for change...

Season two for Bristol Rovers was a very different affair. The glory days of last season were no more, apart from a win on the opening day Clarketti found his newly promoted side struggle to even get draws.

Things were not looking good. After 12 games Rovers were 21st in the 1st division with a mere eight points. Things had to change. Bristol were scoring enough goals but their poor defensive record was hampering any real consistency. To sure up the defensive line Clarketti decided that his trusted 4-4-2 formation had to be scrapped in order to salvage anything meaningful from the season.

5-3-2 was the formation of choice. By replacing the wingers with wingbacks and introducing and extra man to create a back three, the wins slowly began to materialise. The team gradually began to rise out of the relegation battle.

As things began to get better for Bristol, things took a turn for the worse at Fulham. Results failed to materialise and their well respected manager Chris Coleman was sacked by the outspoken Mohamed al-Fayed.

Clarketti’s name was thrown into the mixing pot of possible replacements for the hot seat at Fulham. Among the other names were Roy Evans and an aging Terry Venables

Al-Fayed placed his trust in little known Italian manager Stuartini Clarketti. He found Fulham eighteen places off the top with twenty five games remaining. Clarketti wasted no time in assessing his squad as an away clash with Derby was in three days.

The Fulham first team was strong enough to obtain a safe mid-table position but lacked the strength in depth needed to battle a full Premiership season. One or two key injuries could mean disaster for the small London club.

Clarketti had £3,500,000 to spend but had to wait until the transfer deadline was lifted in January before he could begin to rebuild his aging squad.

3-0 against Derby was the jumpstart his side needed and in five games had 8 points. Crucially this was 3 more than Fulham’s closest rivals.

The transfer embargo was lifted and Clarketti set about restructuring his side. The old guard or Marlet and Cole were retiring at the end of the season so replacements had to be found. Manchester United’s Djemba Djemba was first to come in, followed by Blackburn’s winger Steven Reid.

With 15 games remaining Fulham are 13th in the Premiership.

Things are looking bright for the young manager. Bigger clubs beckon.

Monday 15 November 2004

Stuartini Clarketti season one

The press were very sceptical of the appointment of unknown Italian manager Stuartini Clarketti to the position of manager at lowly 2nd division Bristol Rovers.

The bookies tipped Rovers to a mediocre mid-table finish, but Clarketti knew better. He knew that if he could instil the right belief in his players, then they could accomplish anything.

With nothing in the way of transfer funds Clarketti needed to bring in much needed talent. He aimed his sight towards Italy. That's the game he knew well and he began to search the lower divisions for a free transfer.

He knew too that loans were the way forward in this league. If Bristol could entice some rising young players with the promise of regular first team football, half of his job would be complete.

Next to the tactics. Looking at the players available, there was only one real option. That of the tried and tested 4-4-2. Not having the flair of teams such as AC Milan and Real Madrid, Clarketti deployed a different way of playing the beautiful game of football.

Fitness and toughness. Instead of concentrating most of the training schedule on skills and passing, the coaches were instructed to place more emphasis on strength and physical condition. This would lead to tiring out the opposition and enabling Rovers to dominate in the final third.

Three key things enabled Clarketti to get what he wanted from this Bristol side. The signings of Harpel Singh on Loan from Leeds, the free transfer of talented young Italian winger Tolle and the injury free season of top striker Agogo (43 goals in 46 games (44 starts).

For most of the season Bristol were in the top three and looking good for promotion. There was a slight dip in form over the hectic Christmas period, but with a bit of luck and lot of hard work the lads regained top spot and stayed there for the remainder of the season.

Finishing the league with the best goal difference 4 points clear of there nearest rivals. 114 goals, 53 conceded in 46 games.

In a board meeting with the chairman, it was decided that Rovers would once again have no transfer budget. A harsh decision had to be made by Clarketti, and with a sad heart he decided to apply for the vacant manager’s position at Italian Seria B side Treviso.

Still having a job to do with the newly promoted Bristol, Clarketti set about improving the squad for the up and coming season. Having enjoyed his season in Bristol, newly released Singh was snapped up by Clarketti. Stuartini knew a player of this quality only came along once every so often so offered the young lad £1,300 a week for his services. This made him one of Bristol’s most paid players, and the hopes of a small city rested on his shoulders.

The only way to get a much needed transfer kitty was to sell. Clarketti decided to accept reasonable bids of some of his old timers and looked to the future by bringing in some youth.

Bad news was waiting for Clarketti when he returned home that night. Unfortunately his application for the Treviso job was unsuccessful. The decision was made for him. He would have to battle it out once more with Bristol Rovers.

IQ Test

Bored at work so did an IQ test

The way you think about things makes you an Intuitive Investigator. This means you have multiple talents and can do anything you set your mind to. You're able to detect numerical patterns easily and are able to grasp the true complexity of the world, both in its details and in a more abstract form. You've got a sharp logical mind and are adept at using words to get even a difficult point across. The combination of all these things makes you truly brilliant.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of an Intuitive Investigator? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you an Intuitive Investigator. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

I won a DVD from Empire on Saturday

The Name of the Rose

Sean Connery

I've not watched it yet but Harriet says that it's meant to be pretty good.

Top of the league

S&L are top of the league after playing both of the other two challengers away from home.

Is this a good thing? Maybe not...

If we get promoted the games will be harder. Do I want that?


I'd rather we got relagated and then had an easy 50-0 win every week.

And then during the final game start a mass brawl so that are team is refused promotion.

Friday 12 November 2004

The geek test

I found this on Moblog. Great!

There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't…

Thursday 11 November 2004

Just got back from lunch...

Just been out to the lovely Thai Square (Minories) for lunch with the FPMA team.

It was very reasonable. £10 each. Including a beer.

It was very tasty.

Although in my king prawn dish, the tight gits only gave me three prawns!!!

Pretty poor.

To make up for, I we went for a coffee in an Italian cafe on the way back and I had a delicious apple strudel.

Plan for the weekend...???

What shall I do this weekend?

I've decided that i'm not going to play rugby this weekend and have a well deserved rest.

My hamstrings still haven't recovered so i'm going to chill out.

I'm thinking a nice leisurely stroll towards Greenwich might be in order. I may even pop into Pistachios...

I may play a little FM05 too.

Wednesday 10 November 2004

What to watch on TV tonight...


ITV: About a Boy

Channel 5: Romeo Must Die

Hmmm... it's a tough one.

But only because About a Boy is split by the news.

Tuesday 9 November 2004

The worst film ever goes to...

Escape Velocity

You may have other ideas yourself but I managed to watch a whole 10minutes of this tripe before I turned it off.

What a load of wank. I think I might watch it fully the next time i'm drunk. If only for the novelty value.

Finished 3rd wirh Liverpool

Finished my first season of Football manager last night. The best part was finishing above Man Utd, Alex Ferguson was taking the piss out of me all season. The Scottish twat. I quite uncharacteristically refused to get into the debate.

It's a very good game. A few bugs which could prove annoying, but hopefully they'll get sorted out in the next up and coming official updates.

Current errors

-You can buy a player whilst he's loaned out to another club
-Players start to become unhappy if they're not picked for a few games whilst still recovering from an injury

I'm going for a mammoth game tonight with a few more leagues in it. Not sure what sort of game I want to play yet.

New Game

-Start off in the old 3rd division
-Foreign manager at Liverpool
-Seria A, Juventus, Milan, Inter, or Roma
-La Liga, Real Madrid or Barcelona.

I think i've just answered my own query.

It's got to be Madrid.

May as well start at the top.

Monday 8 November 2004

Mildly amusing comment from Smalley

...although it seems to stop midway through a paragraph.

A game of four halves...

Lost 23-26 yesterday in the cup after extra time.

We were 23-7 up at half time. They came back at us in the second half and our forwards had nothing left to give them.

The game ended 23-23 and went into extra time. An extra 20 mins. We missed a penalty under the post and they managed to get one in the second half due to stupid forwards errors.

I'm sore, tired and pissed off!

Friday 5 November 2004

Amazon booklet

Amazon sent a booklet with in their packaging and there are some pretty special deals.

1GB Pen drive or SD card or Flash card for £68 / £65 / £65 respectivly.

Bloody hell!

Bugger, damn and fcuk!

I've just missed out on lunchtime free drinks!

Sh!tting sod farts!

I left lunch early to get a couple of bits and pieces from a shop and when I get back I find out that they've all gone to the pub!!!

Cheeky git faces!


Any ideas?

I've spent the first hour and a half this morning trying to set up my phone for fcuking e-mail.

I've set up an account with

I think I had it sussed but not sure what to put in the mailbox section in the set up screen on my phone.

Football Manager 2005 has landed

I got them to send it to my works address. It was hand delivered. The only acceptable means to get a game of such quality.

Is my assistant manager ready?

I need any update / face packs that you can find.

Moore Election opinions...

Dear Friends,

Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in
the words of Monty Python, 'always look on the bright side of life!' There
IS some good news from Tuesday's election.

Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since
Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults
(Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always
wrong and you should never listen to them.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the
country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don't approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the
Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the
Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do
their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of
our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West
Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water,
all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in
lava. And no more show tunes!

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any
old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.
May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will
no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If
you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly
golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married
in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't
have to buy now.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress,
including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to
have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3
chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state
legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the
2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53
chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47
chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber
(Montana House) is still undecided.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than
the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out --
and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work
that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th
grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the
next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the
ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his
point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very
dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two
scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the
Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear
that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that
history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for
too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and
arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such
major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting
age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it
means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards
to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of
those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go
home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three
yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the
candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total
number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore.
Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for
a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time
since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has
always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is
that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact,
that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones
who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November
2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of
surprise in 2008.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My
Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a
wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.


Michael Moore

Thursday 4 November 2004

Just been speaking to the guy next to me at work over lunch...

...who also happens to be my one of my bosses, and he said that I should go for level 3 (currently level 4) in February when we get our annual pay review.

All very exciting!

This would mean an extra 4 days holiday, more extra pay than I would have got normally and I may even get to boss someone around.

Bad side is that i'd probably get more responsibility and would then be on 3 months notice.

Bush for another 4 years...

Bugger! I've lost some more money.

I had a bet with my mate Liam, that for every % that Bush gets over Kerry I have to pay him £1, and vice- versa.

He chose Bush, not because he thought he would win the election with his past record in power or his promises for a better America but because Kerry has a stupid long face.

Sadly, I think that's why half of America's population voted Bush in for a second term

Are you sure you won't save up to get a new PC?

Any news on when it comes out?

Wednesday 3 November 2004

Homemade spag boll tonight

The girls are cooking for me again tonight. All I need to do is supply them with a nice bottle of red. I think I can do that.

I may get roped into doing the dishes though...

... Is it worth it?


5 and a half hour metting yesterday...

I was so drained by te end of it.

Problem is, I think I switched off after the first 10 minutes.


We didn't even get a break for lunch as they provided sandwiches.

It seems pretty silly to a meeting / training that long, as nobody was paying any attention to it by the end.

Dynamic financial analysis modeling. Wow! That's what I call interesting!

Monday 1 November 2004

Daylight saving time

I set all the clocks in the house last night except my bloody alarm clock. Fcuk! I'm now knackered and it's not fair.

Bloody establishments!

Friday 29 October 2004

New pic...

What do you think?

Had a few drinks after work last night...

... and think I was being sounded out for a new job working for my old team.

Watch this space.

Interesting factoids...

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

Ross's New Job

Ross has started his new job working for a power station firm. Some of which are nuclear! God help us all.

Thursday 28 October 2004

Testing from the recovery site

Does this work???

Business Continuity Site Testing

This afternoon i've got to go along to our Business Continuity testing site to see if all our programs and files work correctly.

That should take me around 5 minutes. More importantly i'll be testing if I can still write up my LiveJournal.

Business Continuity Site, if our building gets blown up, then we have another place to work, tight gits, how about a couple of months off!

Results of the quiz

My team The Hand Shandys finished 8th out of about 40 teams.

We did best in the TV Themes round, with me remembering the theme to Gentle Ben.

The highlight of the evening for me was with this question.


Which British TV presenter replaced the voice of Joan Rivers in the UK version of Shrek II?

Our answer

"Jonathan Ross"

Real answer

Kate Thornton

One of our team mates was adamant that he was right. Hilarious.

Wednesday 27 October 2004

Maths Refresher 101

I've finally got this DFA (Dynamic Financial Analysis) program on my computer and now i've got to bloody work out how to use it.

Most of it is intuitive however it requires a high level of maths knowledge in order to use it correctly.



Burr Inverse

I'm going to have so much fun in the next few weeks!


I've been rekindling my love affair with shooting gooks.

I bought the expansion pack Fist Alpha months back but got stuck on a really tricky bit so went off in a huff.

Not wanting to play anymore Champ Man till the new one comes out next week I thought i'd give the old game a bit of a revival.

650 kills later i'm back with as much enthusiasm as i've ever had. In my current mission i've had to sneak around (not my favorite part of the game) an enemy base taking out their heavy gunners. I've done that, I then had to place explosives on their fuel line, now I have to return up the mountain side and pull out my trusty sniper.

I'm looking forward to the next part.

Fish in a barrel.

Lloyd's Quiz tonight

Where's Webby when you need him? He can answer all the cheesy eighties pop questions...

There should be about 300-400 people out tonight for the quiz. Should be a good laugh. Lots of food and beer.

Tuesday 26 October 2004


Saw AvP last night. Why do they always have to dumb things down? Is it for the American masses?

Constantly explaining every piece of information in the screen, detracts from the action and contributes to what was essentially a poor film.

I could write better than that. I have a better imagination than that. And yet some idiot gets paid millions of dollars to produce a poor film.

Godzilla is another prime example. What a load of w@nk!

Rant over.

There's a price on my head...

My pension update has just come through. Scary reading. If I die, my brother gets £100k+!

Monday 25 October 2004

I've just got my latest set of work cards through

It was a missed oppertunity really.

We've got a new secretary so I could have told her anything...

Lord Dr Stuart Clark
Ninja Analyst
Stealth Assassin Team


Not for the faint hearted...

Bad news everyone.

Mertyl was taken to the vets on Saturday to try and cure her squirts and vomiting.

Mertyl seems fine but apparently she has two of the three symptoms (sick/pooing plus high heart rate) of an infected thyroid gland. She's on this special medicine and has to get a check up in a few weeks.

I think there is an operation that they can do but it's quite expensive and seeing as she's quite old they think that it's not worth while. We'll see.

Poor little stinky rat face.

Surprise, surprise...

Championship Manager 5's release date has been put back yet again.


That should really knacker them completely. Football Manager gets released over a month before.

What is it with games developers? Why can't they plan correctly? In my books they're in the same league as motorway maintenance people.

You know the ones, the 16 guys with mugs of tea standing round doing nothing whilst one poor guy directs the traffic with a stop sign.

Lazy so and sos.

I saw Get Carter at the weekend

Good film if you haven't seen it already.

"You're a big man but you're out of shape. With me it's a full time job, now behave yourself."

"D'you know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes look like, Eric. But they're still the same. Pissholes in the snow."

Ninja PC

My new works Ninja PC has arrived.

P4 3.6Ghz


I wish I could install CM.

Wednesday 20 October 2004

I have tomorrow and Friday off!

Ha, ha. In your face sucker!

I may pop down to Pistaccios...


After a long season things are starting to get exciting. With 3 games to go, Man City are 3 points off the top, currently in 3rd place.

150-1 my arse!

The influential signing of Alvaro Recoba has made all the difference. Languishing in 12 place for the first half of the season, something had to be done. In the January transfer window Clarketti put in an audacious bid for the aging superstar.

15 games later Man City sit proudly in a champions league place.


Unfortunately (kind of) Ben's sent me the Gold test version of Football Manager so I may have to resign and play that instead tonight.

So you may get a reincarnation next time

Why no more blogging?

Pretty poor on the blogging front guys.

Is there really nothing exciting (or not) going on in your lives?

Tuesday 19 October 2004

It all comes clear

I spent two hours yesterday up and down stairs carrying Harriet's old boxes from her mother's loft.

That's why they were nice to me on Sunday.

Monday 18 October 2004

Life and Times of Stuartini Clarketti

With one game to go and 1 point clear the only obstacle in my path was an injury weakened Aberdeen at home.

Mid week the tabloid press was going crazy, speculation was rife that Kevin Keegan was going to get the sack from Man City. Who could replace such a high profile manager at a hugely supported club?

On the eve of the game I was given the phone call, the offer was too good to refuse.

My first game for Man City was a 3-0 win over lowly Southampton propelling my new look City to a final league position of 14th.

Over the Summer, new manager Clarketti made some telling changes, out with the old boys and in with the new. With a new policy of bringing the youngsters through the ranks the past masters were given the chop. Out with Sinclair/Jihai/Shearer.

The bookies have given Man City 150-1 odds to win the league, determined to prove the critics wrong, Stuartini leads City to 7th.

The transfer deadline is looming and Roma have placed an audacious bid for Wright-Phillips. £36,000,000

Will Stuartini accept the bid for the fans favourite and fund the teams weak transfer budget to restructure the team? Will he keep the young starlet, destined to become one of the all time greats?

Watch this space for the next exciting installment of the Life and Times of Stuartini Clarketti.

Friday 15 October 2004


Borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Just had to change all of my numbers on my new phone.



Sorrie, Ben

to Ben Sorrie

then from

0787979797979 (Home)


0787979797979 (Mobile)

Similar to my volume problem.

Dundee Utd 3 games from winning the Scotish Premiership

After leading Northampton to 2 successive championships and into the Coca Cola Championship (old division 1, very old division 2) I decided I had accomplished all I could at the sixfields stadium. The Dundee Utd board offered me a challenge. Keep Dundee Utd away from relegation.

Not only did I manage that but I also got them qualified for Europe.

The next season was tough. Given a mere £800k transfer budget I had to survive on my wits alone.

After a year and a half in charge of Dundee Utd, I am 3 games away from a historic event.

Neither Rangers nor Celtic will win the Scottish Prem!

I feel next season one of the big boys in the English Premiership may be knocking on my door. Or perhaps I'll try my luck on the sunny beaches of Spain.

Watch this space (or not) for an update of the life and times of Stuartini Clarketti Italian manager extraordinaire.

Pretty bored at work today.

Don't you just hate bottle necks?

Yesterday I was stuck doing nothing for most of the afternoon waiting for one person to finish their section of the work, however it turns out that person is now waiting on some other guy to provide authorisation.

So here's me getting nagged by my bosses for an update on my progress when I actually have nothing to show!

Hurry up!

I'm slowly going senile with boredom.

Thursday 14 October 2004

Wish me luck...

I'm about to go into a two hour meeting to discuss...

...wait for it...

Net & Gross Models - Q3 data

"This is for a bit of a brainstorm as to how we can improve the processes by which we come up with our individual syndicate forecasts within 3 days of receipt of QMR data."


Wednesday 13 October 2004

Just bought a Sony Ericsson K700i

Plan tonight.

Play with Sony Ericsson K700i
A couple of games on CM
Listen to the football.
Sophie's cooking Salmon for me
Watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

High stakes tonight...

Azerbaijan v's England

I have a whole pound riding on this one. Yes! You heard me right, 1 whole English pound to whoever chooses the first goal scorer.

Liam "The Git" Scott (after winning over £100 from the last two Grand Stuart Clark Challenges)


Stuart "The People's Champion" Clark


If someone else scores first it continues to the next goal. After 2 years of betting and about £50 won either way i'm currently about £3 up.

Watch this space for all the action...

Lazy ass I.T. guys really annoy me

Lazy fcukers! (You're the exception i'm sure Ben)

We asked them to include something into the design of this piece of software months ago. Have they done it? Have they fcuk!

I'm not saying that i'm not lazy, I surely am, but at least I get the work done quickly, when I am needed.

Now i'm stuck, fcuking around tring to get the data into a useable format.


London's an ice rink

Just had my work shoes resoled, can hardly walk! If only the journey to the station was in a straight line. Then I could glide to work.

£41.50 though! Very pricey. I'm skint this month, as I was last!

Last night...

Played a little CM with Dundee Utd before Harriet cooked peppered rump steak for me last night. Very nice indeed, although not as nice as Ben's Dad's recipe.

Then we ended up watching Master and Commander. Anybody seen it? A load of w@nk if you ask me.

Bring on A v's P. The reviews are great!

"Fans beware — your fave two sci-fi franchises have been stripped of all their guile and maturity. It may offer the occasional treat, but AvP is sadly devoid of any real thrills." Empire

"Summary: Everyone is a winner in this one - apart from the poor viewer who must endure those annoying human characters for far too long before the real fighting starts. 5/10" Movie Gazette

Oh well, I think if you go to see it with the right frame of mind, i.e. Take in the mindless violence and forget about the story line, i'm sure i'll enjoy.

Tuesday 12 October 2004


I watched the last episode ov Firefly last night. I feel pretty annoyed that they decided against finishing the series.

Obviously it can't fit into terrestrial TV's busy schedule of woman friendly home improvement programmes. It's a fcuking joke.

I'd at least thought the BBC might stump up a bit of cash for that type of quality programme but unfortunatly not. They seem to be gunning for the pleb ITV audience share. Which of course is not actually in their remit.

I read an article in the telegraph (not evening telegraph) last Thursday written by an ex-BBC commissioner, stating that it was the fault of 6 female executives currently on the board. Hopefully they may even sit up and notice before the UK becomes as dumb as the US.

Wednesday 6 October 2004

On holiday till Tuesday.

He, he!

Not sure what i'm going to do though. Any suggestions?

Feeling rough today

Had a big one last night. Out with Shaheen and a few others.

He's off to New York today, then off to Vegas for a week.

We went for a nice chinese meal, then off to central London to a bar called the Social, i've been there before.

Then it was someone's bright idea to drink aftershock! The fool! The blaggard! The swine!

Now I feel like shit!

Thanks a bunch.

Tuesday 5 October 2004

I'm preparing myself for being called a git once more

My department has just gained 3 new members from another team.

That can only mean one thing.

Free food and drinks as a departmental get to know you night out.

He, he.

Monday 4 October 2004


Started watching Firefly yesterday.

So far i'm very impressed, good scifi nonsense with a twist of humour. But the one thing that stands out most for me is the fact that Groovicron's (Ben) default picture looks more like Wee-Man from Jackass.

Friday 1 October 2004

Just got back from the pub.

All the top bosses are away this afternoon so we've snuck out for a couple of jars of lager in The Lamb. Friday lunchtime drinking, you can't beat it.

The meaning of life...

Being the sad analyst that I am (after all it is my job), one thing that I occationaly do is assign a numeric value to certain aspects of my life as a way to gauge how happy I am.


Friends /10
Family /10
Love life /10
Work /10
Money /10
Weather /10
Flat /10
Football /10
Rugby /10
Is there anything good on TV? /10

Total /100

And then I have a percentage happiness (The Stu Scale).

This usually ranges from 50-85, depending on what mood i'm in.

I wasn't particularly happy one day this week and I came out with the number 42.

More evidence that this world is not real, i'm just here as someone's amusement. Similar to the Bill Hicks sketch with God hiding dinosaur bones in the ground to fcuk with Christian's minds.

Jesus is a prankster!

This actually made me laugh which probably boosted my happiness rating to 42 and a half.

Friday 24 September 2004

Free drinks at lunchtime

And yes Ben. I'm still a git.

Thursday 23 September 2004

Special Edition Update

100 Journal Entries

And that's even with the fascists at Websense trying to stop my message getting through to the people.

Keeping it real. This is where it's at home boyz.

With my huge readership of 1.6101* readers per planet they have reason to stem my word. But I will prevail and change Earth for the betterment of mankind.

The Bring Back Jimmy Campaign fell flat on it's face but with the right spin it may get revived.

Watch this space for an updated Stuart Clark Manifesto.

*(Ben = 1.0, Ian = 0.5, Kris = 0.1, Tim = 0.001)

I'm reasonably happy right now

The ups in my life seem to be up (just after pay day).
And the downs in my life don't seem so bad.

Update: 6/20

Wednesday 22 September 2004

The height of geekdom

22 mins long, but if you click on the screen it goes faster.

Some Kind of Monster

I bought The Big Issue yesterday as it had Metallica on the front page.

Their new documentary is out in the UK on October the first.

The world’s most successful heavy metal band is in crisis. The bassist has resigned, the lead singer’s battling alcohol, the drummer’s despised by the fans and, amid bitter in-fighting, they reconvene for a new album...

On another note, Are you guys going to the opening of Aliens v's Predator on the 22nd?

I might take a few days off and come back to Corby to watch it with you if you want.

Couldn't access my journal yesterday...

Tight IT gits!

The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

Friday 17 September 2004

Shaheen's off to the Land Down under

February next year, Shaz is going to Ozland (Brisban), to work in an A&E department.

That seriously reduces the odds on ever having Shaheen operate on me.


Thursday 16 September 2004

Feeling rough, rough, rough...

And I bet I look like it too!

Free drinks, free food. It's hard to say no. In fact it's down right rude in my eyes.

Plus I've suggested to my boss that we (my department) return the favour and take out the other team for free drinks and food.

I may then suggest to the other boss to take our team once more

A circle of never ending free drinks.

It'll all end in a mass drunken stupor, but that's how I like it.

Wednesday 15 September 2004

Just had a prank call to my work phone.

Here's the transcript.

SC: Stuart Clark speaking.
Wanker: You've been evicted from your house.
SC: What?
W: Only kidding, your on radio 1 and have just won £400 pounds.
SC: Oh okay.
W: Fuck off you're boring.

Hangs up phone

What an absolute fucking cunt. How dare he suggest I listen to radio 1!

What a fucking loser.

Team drinks tonight

I'm going to have to drown my sorrows on free drinks and food.

That should at least cheer me up a bit.

Tuesday 14 September 2004

The Price of Socks

Yesterday for the first time in my life I bought some socks.

I usually get a load for my birthday / christmas time, however this year I received none. "Tight bastards" was the term that came to mind.

Whilst food shopping round M&S I thought I may as well get a couple of packets of socks to save me having to do it at some other point.

£20 for 10!

For fuck sake! What are they made out of?

Now I realise why I didn't get any this year. Sock prices must be highly correlated to the price of oil. Let's hope this war ends soon, otherwise everyone will be walking around in bare feet.

And we don't want that do we?

Yippee! I actually have work to do...

It's taken a while but I finally have something interesting to do.

Only problem is that my computer and server are too damn slow and each query (and there are lots of them) is taking half a minute to run. Booooo!

It's so frustrating.

Thursday 9 September 2004

13 days holiday left

Any ideas on what I should do with them?

I could (almost) do a 4 day week for the rest of the year.
Although they might realise that i'm not actually needed for a full week in the future

I could take it all off now and make the most of the dieing summer.

Shaz wants me to visit him in Jersey again, but not sure.

Have you guys got any plans for the rest of the year?

Wednesday 8 September 2004

Is everybody excited?

Only 23 more days to go before CM5 is released!

1st point

Will it be as good?

2nd point

Will it keep me addicted?

3nd point

Will I continue to have a social life?

4th point

Shall I stock up on snack food?

5th point

Shall I book a week off from work to play it constantly?

Final point

It'll probably be 4/5 months behind schedule so i'll have to make to with an unofficial update

Tuesday 7 September 2004

Strawberry flavoured gummy. Hmmm.

God I feel sick. I just eaten a hole bag of strawberry sweets made of pure gummy.

Rapidly going insane

I've got fcuk all to do at work...

I need something to do. Preferably work related. Our large quarterly data (QMR) came in a couple of weeks ago and i'm already fcuked for stuff to do.

Any suggestions?

Friday 3 September 2004

Anyone fancy a trip to Romania?

Jedi Academy opens in Romania

A Star Wars acedemy that teaches about the religion of the Jedi, use of the light sabre and speaking in Wookiee has opened its doors in Romania.

Adrian Pavel, who runs the country's Star Wars Club, decided to found the Jedi Academy after getting so many questions from fellow fans on how they can be more like their heroes in the Star Wars films.

He told local daily Libertatea: "We have meetings and lectures, and we dress like Jedis, but this is no longer enough. We'll soon learn how to handle the light sabres in academy classes.

"The academy is open to everybody. There is a quiz with 100 questions that will cover even the darkest aspects of the Star Wars phenomenon that needs to be done in 24 hours. Anyone who passes quiz will have a place in the Jedi Academy."

The academy is also offering special modules for true devotees, like cooking some of the dishes seen in the Star Wars films including Wookiee Cookies, Princess Leia Danish donughts, Sand Trooper sandwiches and Twin Sun toasts.

Wednesday 25 August 2004

Kill Bill Volume 2

I bought Kill Bill Volume 2 last night.


Not sure how I feel about it yet. A marked difference from the first. The best bit was Uma's ninja trainer. Constantly smoothing his beard.

Tuesday 24 August 2004

Pissing off ze Germans

Today I have been mostly pissing of the Germans.

Our mad German mathematician at work was bragging about Germany beating Great Britain in the medal tables.

So i've spent the afternoon trying to beat him at his own game by disproving his theory with maths.

By population we are in fact better. Ha, ha!

How many people per million population will get a medal?

Great Britain

Gold: 0.117
Silver: 0.133
Bronze: 0.117
Medal: 0.367


Gold: 0.100
Silver: 0.125
Bronze: 0.138
Medal: 0.363

God i'm bored...

Update: 2/17

The only reason I give blood

Free crisps and biscuits

Hmmm. Jammy Dodgers.

Monday 23 August 2004

Birthday celebrations

Anything else is in addition.


Morning: Birthday fry up in Pistachios.

Afternoon: Watch the football (possibly)

Evening: I may cook, go out for a meal or a takeaway, then drinks in a pub in Greenwich

Thursday 19 August 2004

Off to Brighton today

I'm off to Brighton in about an hour. It's our staff away day. Staying in that posh hotel again.

£40 bottles of wine
£25 shots of whiskey
£20 cigars

all on company money, ha, ha.

Wednesday 18 August 2004


I've said it before, and i'll most certainly say it again

Lunchtime beers are great.

Friday 13 August 2004

Beers on Friday lunchtime...

What ever genius thought that up should be given a medal.

And royalties.

And free beer.

Thursday 12 August 2004


Hi Guys

What are you up to on the bank holiday weekend of the 28th?

Seeing as it looks as though we're no longer going on holiday for the week following the weekend of the 28th, I'm thinking of having a get together down in London for a day or two instead. Ross has pulled out saying he can't get the time off plus may struggle with money and Ben says that he'd struggle to pay for it too.

It's my birthday on the 31st so wanted to do something for that. It's also the bank holiday weekend.

I'm now free all weekend so fancy doing something.

I think Ben's busy on the Sunday, some crappy naming ceremony (created by Clinton Cards).

The current plan is to go to a few bars in Greenwich on the Monday night. It'd be great if you could all make it. Of course that would mean taking the Tuesday off from work to recover.

Let me know how you're all fixed.


Alien Wreckage? Or just a big dumb stupid rock that fell out of the sky...

Scientists claim to find alien wreckage

Russian scientists claim to have discovered the wreck of an alien craft at the site of an unexplained explosion in Siberia almost a hundred years ago.

They say they found the remains of an extra-terrestrial device that allegedly crashed near the Tunguska river in Siberia in 1908.

The Interfax news agency reports that the scientists were working for the Tunguska space phenomenon public state fund.

They also claim to have discovered a 50kg rock which they have sent to the Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk for analysis.

The Tunguska blast, in a desolate part of Siberia, remains one of the 20th century's biggest scientific mysteries.

On June 30, 1908, what is widely believed to be a meteorite exploded a few kilometres above the Tunguska river, in a blast that devastated over 2,000 square kilometres of forest.

Perminant bad luck, what a numb nuts!

I got home last night with a new found purpose. I decided to throw out everything I no longer needed and have a huge room rearranging session.

Although hard work, after about 2 hours I was nearly finished and was very satisfied with my rooms new look.

All I had to do was put another couple more things under my bed and I was done.

I pulled my bed away from the wall a couple of cm and then I saw with horror that my new mirror was falling silently in slow motion towards the vacuum cleaner.

I must have missed it by about 1 or 2 cm. With a loud smash my mirror was no more.

In the heat of the moment it is hard to recollect exactly what I said, but I think you all have reasonable levels of imagination so will leave it there.

It's actually the 2nd mirror i've broken in that room.

Does it mean that I now have permanent bad luck or does the 2nd mirror counter act the previous 7 years from the last one?

Update: 1/17

Wednesday 11 August 2004

The stories just get better and better.

Darkness sign dead dog's b*llocks

The Darkness say one of the strangest requests from a fan was to sign a dead dog.

Drummer Ed Graham say the fan brought his grandma's late pet to an autograph session.

He told the Irish Examiner he signed the stuffed animal - on the testicles.

Graham said: "We were doing a signing and this guy brought a miniature stuffed dog.

"It was his grandmother's. He never got on with his gran - or the dog - then the dog died and she had it stuffed.

"When she died she left him the dog. He said: "'If I get you to sign it, then I might be able to make peace", so I signed its testicles 'E' and 'D', one on each b******."

Adam Aston perhaps...

Cat forces down plane

A plane was forced back to earth after a bad-tempered cat attacked the pilot.

Gin was traveling to a cat show when he escaped from his cage after his owner fell asleep.

He found his way into the cockpit, where he took an instant dislike to the co-pilot, reports Sky News.

The cat was "very aggressive and scratched the co-pilot", forcing the crew to return to the airport, a SN Brussels spokesman said.

The plane, carrying 62 people from Brussels to Vienna, had been in the air for 20 minutes when it was forced to turn back.

The passengers were put on another flight to Vienna, without the cat and its owner, who had to take a separate flight there.

The only pilot I know that people take a instant dislike to is Adam. Only kidding mate, if you every stumble across this message. Just reminiscing about our night out in Deptford.

Pollictical correctness is going crazy I tells ya

Call to ban 'thin' from dictionary

A Dutch group wants to ban the word 'thin' from the dictionary because it's insulting to underweight people.

The group, called Small Intestines Anonymous, represents people who struggle to put on weight.

They say the word 'thin' is a term of abuse used by 'fat over-rulers' to put down slender people.

The organisation wrote to Dutch dictionary publishers Kramer and Van Dale asking them not to include the word.

They will also present a 3,000-name petition to Maria van der Hoeve, the Dutch Minister of Education, Culture and Sciences.

Tuesday 10 August 2004

Tim's updated his friends re

Quite amusing if you want a laugh

Finished my degree in Chemical Engineering and decided to hang around doing 3D graphics.

Am currently working for a large defense company fighting terrorists!

In a band called The Legion of Doom! We rock and sound as fat as your mum.

Member's Interests: Music, art
Member's Favourite Music: Converge, Every Time I Die, Poison the Well, Beecher
Member's Favourite Sport: Football


I actually have work to do.

I suppose I'd better go and do it then, rather than write this...

Out for a run in the rain last night

Pretty good fun really. Very refreshing.

Come on Ben, go for a run tonight. And you Ian. Make an effort.

Even Kris is doing it!

Monday 9 August 2004

The heavens have opened and I haven't got my umbrella

Who's going to be the first person to laugh?

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Anybody read this?

Pretty good book. Some definite Indiana Jones style stuff going on there, which you can never tire of.

Thursday 5 August 2004

New Pic

How do you like my new pic?

Thank the Beeb...

You may have got rid of the Simpsons but thank you for putting back on Malcolm in the Middle.

Tuesday's episode where his Dad takes up speed walking was truly magnificent.

Best Simpson's episode ever

Tough call

Either the episode with the sensory deprivation tank or the one where Homer gains weight so he can work from home through disability.

Votes please

Chav in the City

Just seen one of the secretaries wearing an all in one Burbury dress.

He, he. We're trying to get a photo of her, will somehow post it if I can get hold of a copy.

What is she thinking?

Friday 30 July 2004

Commando Sheep

Crafty sheep conquer cattle grids

The grids were installed 10 years ago after a gardener in Marsden, near Huddersfield, held stray sheep hostage.

Dorothy Lindley, an independent district councillor in the former textile town on the edge of the Pennine uplands in West Yorkshire, said: "They lie down on their side, or sometimes their back, and just roll over and over the grids until they are clear.

They eat plants, flowers and vegetables in gardens.

It is soul destroying

When you try to move them on they look at you as if to say it is their patch and you are not right in the head.

Group wants orangutang kickboxing banned

International animal rights groups are urging Thailand to ban orangutang kickboxing fights that are being staged at a Bangkok safari park.

The owners of Safari World say the fights between the orangutangs, who wear shorts and gloves, are choreographed, and that no animal is harmed.

But animal rights groups say the animals are being exploited, and are destined for a miserable end when their fighting days are over.

Cyril Rosen, of the International Primate Protection League, told the Herald Sun: "It's outrageous. There's no question of it being justifiable in any sort of way.

"Most young animals are very flexible and they do what they are told - it's what happens to them afterwards.

"Their eventual fate is an early death."

But Safari World managing director Pin Kewkacha said: "If we were doing a cruel show we do not have to let anyone tell us. We would cancel it ourselves."

The orangutangs are accompanied by bikini-clad chimpanzees who wear bout number cards.

Just found a new restaurant

The Japanese Canteen

I'm not kidding but including the time it took for me to order the food, I was literally sitting down with chopsticks in my hand tucking into chili chicken fried rice inside 1 minute.


It was fast.

I'll probably die of food poisoning now due to the undercooked food, so far so good


It was tasty.


It was cheap.

I won't tell my brother about it yet, i'll wait until it's my turn to pay.

He, he.

Thursday 29 July 2004

Just spent £75 on 3 ties

It's bloody expensive working here

Suit £250
Shoes £130
Shirt £50
Tie £25
Cuff links £60

= £515 = Rip off

Has it made?

After a couple of over priced foreign beers from Corney and Barrow after work (£3.40 for 330ml) I walked to Cannon Street Station in the searing heat.

I got on what I thought was a train but in fact in turned out to be a sauna. Luckily it knew the way to my stop and I was deposited at the lively station of Deptford.

Market day. Or at least the aftermath of market day. Jeez. People can be so messy. Good job we have dustmen and road sweepers every day. It was clean in no time.

Anywho, when I got back I had a lovely meal ready for me as I opened the door. Plus one of the girls offered to iron one of my work shirts.

That's when my spider-sense kicked in.

What could these women be up too? What do they want with me? As far as I was concerned, there were no jars that needed loosening, no spiders that needed hounding. Had they spiked my food? Put itching powder in my shirt?

None of the above. I suspect they were just being nice.

Wednesday 28 July 2004

Testing 1 2 take 3


My name is Stu

Ross's Mum

Ross's Common Sense Gland

Stu is an idiot

Tuesday 27 July 2004

John Prescott takes the helm

John Prescott is now officially running the country - and the government has launched a new leaflet telling people how to handle disasters.

Is there a link?

Mildly amusing story from BBC News.

Keep on running...

I've managed to go running 7 times in the last 16 days. And that includes my long weekend away (7/12).

I'm really quite impressed with myself. It's so easy to just kick your feet up and crack open a nice cool beer after a long hard days work (those that know me, know that I don't do many of those).

The last thing I want to do is put on my kit and go running in the Summer heat. But so far i've managed it these past few weeks. The important thing is to just do it. Stop the internal whining that's going on in my brain and just go out.

I actually enjoy it once i'm out and about. It helps clear my head and allows me to think clearly about certain things on my mind. Plus I get to tone my adonis like physique as an added bonus. He, he.

Monday 26 July 2004

One more tick in my perfect location in London guide

I've found a greasy spoon in Greenwich!

I think I could certainly live there in the not so distant future.

Good points

Beautiful parkland
Great pubs
Nice Georgian houses
Easy / quick route into work / central London / home
Lovely ladies

Bad points

No club except a comedy club (may have to find a pub with a lock in)
Too touristy

The joys of working in my department

Free Jaffa Cakes
Free Twixs

and the piece de la resistance

Free Kit-Kat Chunkys

I think man for man, were around a stone heavier than any other department on our floor if not the city, if not the world.

I only ever see my boss when he does the 'Walk of Shame' and walks round everybody's desk to the snack cupboard.

Friday 23 July 2004


A high of 28 yesterday if a little too muggy resulting in a spectacular scene of thunder and lightning last night, wow! Silly me, in my excitement left all of my skylights open and quite a bit of rain got in. Brings a new meaning to sleeping on the wet patch.

Just been out for lunch with my brother Steven and will be out tomorrow night in a new pub he's found near him in Clapham. I shall certainly sample a few beers, a few ciders and a few shots. I've not had a drink since Sunday which is a probably my longest time without a beer since puberty.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a specific type of major depression, one which reoccurs at specific times of the year.

The doctors have it all wrong. It doesn't happen because it's less sunny in the Winter months, it's because it's much colder in those months. Women are notoriously sensitive to the cold weather and insist on having the heating turned on full blast for 75% of the year. On these 'cold' days women wear much more clothing making everyone else unhappy.

Bring on global warming and turn all thermostats to high. This is the Summer and i'm happy.

Free red wine for every women

Red wine - good for the breasts

Red wine is the latest craze in the beauty salons of Buenos Aires where it's said to tighten the stomach and firm the breasts.

I'm going for the job of chief cream applier.

Monday 19 July 2004

Long weekend break to Jersey

Just had a pretty wicked weekend in lovely Jersey.

Wow! The place is fabulous. Best weekend in ages. I went over to see my good friend Shaheen.

Friday: House party round a Kiwi nurses place. Very good fun indeed. Then moved on to the doctor's mess where we played a bit of pool.

Saturday: Ferry trip to St Mayo, France. Very similar to St Michelle (You've been there Ben). I bought a few paintings for my room. Later on we went to a couple of bars, one of which had a live band. Best band i've seen for a while. All covers but all well done. Then on to a club, and then back to the mess for more pool.

Sunday: Beach walk then barbecue on the beach, got pretty burnt but it was worth it. Then on to another few bars then onto another club.

Monday: Excellent fish resuarant for lunch, then went to a driving range to smack a load of balls, all good fun.

Just got to the airport and guess what.

My return flight was booked for next Monday!!!!!! Shit! BA had no more flights going to Gatwick so i've got to fly to Coventry. I didn't even know they had an airport. Good thing was that it's only £60. Could have been worse!

What a complete and utter numb nuts!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to try and catch a train tonight back home but may have to get up really early to commute in.

Friday 16 July 2004

Rock and Roll

Lionel Ritchie and Lenny Kravitz break up nightclub brawl

But who would win in the celebrity death match?

Thursday 15 July 2004

The Lloyd's 56 building is being demolished

Out of the window next to me at work they're demolishing the old Lloyd's building. It's pretty mad how they're doing it.

Basically they've craned up 4 or 5 big JCB things on caterpillars and they're ripping it apart. Mad! I now walk into work via a different door just in case.

£19,000,000 lotto win

It's a fix. It was my turn to win. I deserve it far more fat old people who work in factories.

Wednesday 14 July 2004

Lovely Bones

Any body read it?

I was handed this book yesterday as I was rushing out of the house to catch my train.

It shocked me. I can't say that it isn't a good book but it was hardly what I wanted to read on the way into work.

A young girl of 14 get raped and murdered in the first chapter and the story is about how her family and friends cope. It's told from the perspective of the murdered girl from heaven.

I usually have nice dreams, in fact very good dreams, but last nights were disturbing, not very nice at all. It's all put me in a very odd mood.

It's raining it's pouring...

... the old man's snoring.

Don't you just love getting soaking wet on the way into work? Even with a full length rain coat and an Umbrella I'm sitting at my desk soaked.

I think Ken Livingston instead of increasing the congestion charge for large cars should concentrate on more important issues that the people of London really care about.

Only allowing rain during work hours with an hours break at lunch time so people can eat their lunches outside.

It's not asking much.

Monday 12 July 2004

Funniest story of the week award goes to...

One plucky entrepreneur is currently selling authentic bottles of Princess Diana Fountain water on e-bay.

Current price is around £2.50 for a 500ml bottle.


Friday 9 July 2004


I'm also looking forward to going on holiday (again, if it gets organised).

So far it's myself Ben, Ian and Ross although Tim also expressed a maybe.

Current plan is the week starting Bank holiday August, 30th August-5th Sept.

Coincidently my birthday is on the 31st.

Wednesday 7 July 2004

My new hobby

My new hobby is taking instant dislike to people.

I was waiting for the train this morning and I cought a woman in my periferal vision. It looked as though she was smoking so the first thing that came into my mind was that I hated her.

On closer inspection she wasn't smoking afterall, but my initial reaction to hate her stayed.

Coyote Ugly

Not a bad film for a chick flick. The soaking wet fit women kept my interest.

The thing that got my goat (Why is that an actual saying?) is LeAnne Rhymes.

What a f'ing stupid name. Is she French? I hate her and I haven't even met her.

Long weekend in Jersey

To go to Jersey or not to go to Jersey, that is the question.

Whether 'tis acer in the mind to suffer
The Shaheens and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of piss taking,
And by opposing end them?"

-- From Stulet (IV, iii, 86-92)

Not sure if I should pay may Dad off yet or go to Jersey to see Shaz. This is one to ponder.

Wednesday 30 June 2004

Tuesday 29 June 2004


Just had a 2h30min meeting on our strategy for external publications. Did anything come out of this meeting? No.

Plus, just had to go back to car phone warehouse to sort out my new phone, surprise, surprise, they forgot to click a button to activate my account. I could take another day before I get connected.

At least I didn't go ballistic like the guy next to me in the queue, he was f'ing and blinding at two of the guys behind the counter. Hilarious.

Thursday 24 June 2004

I'm so bored

I really can't be arsed doing any more work today?

Both of my main bosses have gone home so i'm stuck here with nothing to do (or nothing that I want to do) so i've taken to writing this load of sh!t to try and stem my lack of interest in doing anything.






Anti theft

Tuesday 22 June 2004

End of an era

One of us actually has to grow up now.

Kris is now pregnant. And by pregnant I mean he's an expectant father.

Very scary thought. Very expensive thought.

Good luck to the Matthews family and lets hope the baby doesn't inherit the Matthews gap toothed trait.

England nearly gave me a heart attack

Well done lads.

4-2 win, made me sweat though.

Monday 21 June 2004

Mornin my babs

As a Bristolian idiot would say.

What a lovely weekend i've just had. I finally feel free. For the past 9 months i've been getting up on Saturday at the crack of dawn to chase eggs, then drinking from 5pm till 2am and then getting up on Sunday still drunk to travel home to London. Not having a weekend for so long certainly takes it's toll.

Now I have to find something to do on Saturdays, the only thing I can think of so far is get drunk in a pub, so open to suggestions.

Friday 18 June 2004

My head hurts

I feel so rough.

I'm never drinking again...

... Or at least till tonight when i'm out again.

Wednesday 16 June 2004

Woman rule the world of TV

It is my opinion that woman are beginning to rule the world.

They've started with fashion, and have even convinced 'men' to follow suit. Why do men suddenly need beauty products? Answer, because women tell us so.

How many men are actually interested in Soaps, fly on the wall documentaries, Big Brother, i'm a celebrity, day time TV, Trisha, Stars in Your Eyes, Cilla, Ball room dancing, Cutting It, ITV, ITV2, E4, Bad Girls, Gossip shows, Footballers Wives, home improvement shows, more home improvement shows, house buying shows and GM "f'ing TV"?

They have even managed to get BBC's flagship Breakfast news programme taking about 'people' issues. It's just not right. You get up in the morning wanting to know short sharp facts about what has gone on in the world since you've been asleep. I certainly don't want to hear about school children raising a minuscule amount of money to save their playing fields getting turned into housing estates. Yes it's unfortunate that the government are crap but that story is certainly not national or global news. Save it for page 7 of your local news paper.

With all this rubbish we're forced to put up with, they still have the audacity to bitch about how sh!t we all are. I suggest we revolt.

No more washing the dishes
No more DIY around the house
No more loosening jam jars
No more saying "no dear your bum does not look big in that"
Take control of the remote and even if you don't like football / sport turn it on.
Stop eating quiches
Eat more meat, preferably undercooked
Wear the house's proverbial trousers

Ranting over for now girls but you've been warned...

Monday 14 June 2004

Money, money, money...

Boy i'm skint, anyone fancy giving me £20,000?

Or even better, does anyone know of any get rich quick schemes?

I hate football...

What a complete and utter pile of w@nk.

One minute into injury time and Heskey fouls a French tw@t outside the box.

Zidane steps up and scores a fabulous free kick.

Not to worry, at least we've got a draw against arguably the greatest team in the world...

One lapse of concentration later, Gerrard (God) misplaces a back pass which lets Henry in. James attempts to save but brings him down. The bald Frenchman makes it two-one on the night.

Wednesday 9 June 2004

Testing 1 2

Hello, i'm back. I think...

Thursday 13 May 2004

Now then, now then, how's about that then?

Bring back Jimmy.

Stuart Clark's manifesto for the up and coming European and local government elections.

Wednesday 12 May 2004

Just had a presentation with a director

Went very well, a little too well for my liking, he wants me to do a load more projects now! Damn!

I may have to mess a few things up to get back to my status quo of e-mail / surfing. Too busy to do this journal thing properly.

Seeing as one possibly two people read it, I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Friday 7 May 2004

Spam Spam Spam Humbug

As I once said to Iolo just before a magical glass sword appeared in my hand. There was only one thing to do...

Smash Lord British over the head with it.

Thursday 6 May 2004

Life of Pi by Yann Martel re-writen

Current blurb on the back

'After a tragic sinking of a cargo ship, one solitary lifeboat remains bobbing on the wild blue Pacific. The only survivors from the wreck are a sixteen-year-old boy named Pi, a hyena, a zebra (with a broken leg), a female orang-utan...and a 450 pound Royal Bengal tiger.'

The blurb if I wrote the book

'After a tragic sinking of a cargo ship, one solitary lifeboat remains bobbing on the wild blue Pacific. A Royal Bengal tiger eats a sixteen-year-old boy named Pi, a hyena, a zebra (with a broken leg)and a female orang-utan.'

Tuesday 4 May 2004

What a lovely weekend.

Thanks for coming down guys.

It was good to see you all. Next time i'll have a barbecue on my balcony.

Good pictures Ben, I especially like the one of Ross.

Thursday 29 April 2004

Testing, one two

Hello world as Alan Whicker used to annoyingly say.